Just Keep Trying

I start this blog with a heart that is overflowing with thankfulness for the answered prayer of a new job!

I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.-Psalm 69:30

Many of you know how long I have been tirelessly sending out resumes and receiving one rejection after the next. Finally, doors began to slightly open and interviews started taking place. Then a few days ago, that door swung open a bit more and I stepped through it. 

I wasn't sure which job was going to come through, as things narrowed down to a full-time, as well as a part-time opportunity, with two great organizations. I knew after various interviews I had done all that I could, and I was trusting God was going to do all that He could to put me where I needed to be. I cannot tell you the peace I have felt since accepting this position. Although, my heart's desire is to be employed full-time, this is the way I will need to start for now. The exciting and hopeful thing is there may be a potential for this to turn into a full time position. God knows, He sees all and I am relying on Him to provide.

There have been many confirmations and so many things falling into place with this (that's a whole other blog!) that I just know this is where I am supposed to be for now. I will say none of this has happened in my timing. The Lord is going to teach me patience one way or another! I started this process quite a while back and I have shed many tears and have gotten very discouraged along the way, but I never gave up looking. Through the tears, through the disappointment, through the rejections, I just kept trying.

I confess I had many conservations with God during this process, and honestly, some of them were not pretty. While I am confessing, I will tell you there were times I wanted to give up the search, lay in my bed, and just wallow in self pity. After all, I was tired and had grown extremely weary, but your many prayers kept me going, as well as a constant feeling that God would provide in His time. I just needed to continue to do the footwork. No one ever said it was going to be easy.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.- John 16:33

The many prayers and words of encouragement from my family and friends became invaluable to me during this long and tedious process. My Heavenly Father has always so graciously blessed me with wonderfully supportive, encouraging, and praying people, and I am so very thankful for each of every one of them! May God bless you all a hundred times over.

 This next phase on my journey of "Learning to Live" brings much excitement as well as a little anxiety. I am eager to dive right in, learn new things, further my education, meet new people and just really enjoy this wonderful opportunity that could lead to.... God knows what?......Well, He does and I can't wait to find out!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

Thank you for celebrating with me in sharing some good news and for continuing to follow and support me on my road to healing. I humbly request that you please continue to pray for doors to open for me in this area.

Blessings Always,

Tammy

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

                     

"Sometimes when you can't breathe and your heart feels withered down and dry...God will send you someone that will breathe words of life into your soul. I never take for granted when God sends someone into my life with a word...His Word." 

I sent those words to an old friend several weeks ago after she reached out to me. This is a friend that I knew from high school and had not seen nor spoken too in quite sometime. She shared with me that every time she would drive by the Mayo Clinic she would pray for me and my family, and that to this very day, she still does. My heart melted as I was both thankful and blessed by her words.  

 As we continued catching up and sharing, my friend said something during our conversation that has really stuck in my mind. She shared how she always sees me as someone who has it all together. My heart sunk as she spoke those words, as I knew the real truth. I was far from having it all together, and if publicly I showed the bad days on the outside as often as I have them...would I still be a shining light for Christ? Would people still love me for me, in spite of the mess going on inside? I confess some days I put on that "denial" mask. After all, that is way better than having to deal with the huge hurdles on my path. Can anybody relate? 

I have learned over the years that you never know what someone is going through in their lives. Some people are very open and transparent about their trials, while others choose to tuck that pain away. Maybe it is an "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" kind of thing. I confess I often walk both sides of that fence, but it never fails that when I confide my brokenness with someone, I am usually filled with encouragement and love. That is not to say that some feelings and struggles are not private and personal, but it does help to lighten the load when you confide in someone you trust and they in return show you God's grace and love.  

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.         1 Thessalonians 5:11

I am most surprised to find out that when I let my guard down, so will those around me. Then the layers start to peel off and we see a softer side to one another. We can begin to relate on a deeper level, maybe even form a lifelong friendship. I know I have been immensely blessed to have that happen in my life on several occasions. It is a strange, but wonderful thing, how pain and suffering can bind two people together. 

By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.                    Ecclesiastes 4:12 (MSG)

So, to answer the first question: would I still be a shining light to Christ? Absolutely! Probably even a little more brightly, as others will hopefully see how God is using me and how He is helping me to mend and grow stronger through all my sorrow and pain. I pray that people will see HIS light in me brighter than ever, even when I cannot see it in myself. 

But then we ask, will people still love me for me, in spite of the mess going on inside? Of course they should! Now, I am not going say you won't lose a few folks here and there as you are on the path to healing, and friends, that's okay. Sometimes God does the weeding out for our own good, but there will be those who love you unconditionally and see you through the eyes of Jesus, who will love you past your faults, sorrows and pains. Those 

people are the body of Christ in it's purest form and are the sweetest of blessings.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galations 6:2 

You are a precious gem in the eyes of your Heavenly Father. Please know that what you may see as a mess others may see as a message of hope and strength. 

Blessings Always,

Tammy 

Always With Us

Nicks Bible

January 29th, 2011: At about 3:10 PM today, on a beautiful, sunny Saturday, Nick went to be with the Lord.

 Two years.... Two years without that smile, that warm hug, those long walks, our morning coffee on the back porch, celebrating special occasions, going to church together, precious family time, and the words I miss hearing Nick say the most, "I love you."

 Time has a very unique way of easing some of the pain, but the wounds seem to open up slightly more on days like today. Although we are blessed with marvelous memories of an exceptional man, it is hard to think of them and not have your heart fill up with tears from missing him and all that he so lovingly and unselfishly enriched our lives with. 

I used to dream often about Nick and I loved that. I loved that through those dreams I could see and hear him so clearly and for that brief time things felt so normal again, and even though sometimes I would be sad when I awoke, because I wanted it to be real, I was still grateful to have had that time with him in my dreams. But as time has gone on those dreams have become much less frequent, in fact I could not remember when the last one was. Then a few mornings ago I awoke with tears streaming down my face. I had dreamed that I was holding on so tightly to Nick and asking him to please never leave me and he was holding me just as tightly and promising that he would always be with us. What a treasure I found in that dream!

I started to pray and thank God for never leaving or forsaking us and for pulling us out of that grieving pit each and every time and, although I cannot always see or feel Him doing it, I am able to sit and write this today because He has.

I am amazed at how I can grieve and rejoice at the same time. I am grieving at what has been lost, yet rejoicing at the splendor of what it must be like for Nick right now as he basks in the eternity of  Heaven.  To truly understand that the ones we have loved and lost have been set free...frees us as well.

Thank you all for your kind sentiments over the last few days and for always remembering my man. Please know I am truly grateful for your unconditional love and your never-ending prayers for me and my family.

“It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for that long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.” --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Blessings Always,

Tammy

A Year of Seconds

Priceless Treasure

As I was organizing some things last week I came across this little gem. It was a card Nick had attached to a Christmas gift he had given me a few years ago. Can I tell you that I feel like I have won the lottery when I find these things! Seeing his handwriting, remembering that time, and for a brief second becoming enveloped in the indescribable joy of that memory, was wonderful, yet bittersweet.

 I have often heard others who have lost loved ones say how much harder the second year seemed to be than the first. I couldn't imagine that, but have since realized just how true that is. As January 29th  approaches, I can tell you that year two has proven to be very emotionally painful in ways that I was not prepared for. When I look back over that first year I see a person who was really just trying to keep her head above water and who was and is rather emotionally vulnerable.

I know without a doubt that God's strength has brought Aaron and me through many painful days. Yes, there has been joy sprinkled in between those days of sorrow, but His plan for our lives is far from being over and we still have much healing that needs to take place. One of the things that year two brought on was the awakening of many forgotten memories. The human mind has a way of being able to tuck away a lot of the memories that involved the pain and suffering, and it begins to remember the Nick before all of that, the Nick that was healthy and happy. Although they are good memories, they can be painful. The reality of "this is life now" has a way of really just taking your breath away at times.

Year two also leaves me wondering who I still am, what God's plan really is for me, and still coming to grips with not being a wife. I often find myself looking at someone's hand just to get a glimpse of that little circle of love and for that moment getting a lump in my throat as I still feel for mine. My thoughts will occasionally drift to what once was as I notice a couple walking hand in hand, or hearing others speak about their anniversaries, or special occasions with their spouses and think that used to be me.

I have to redirect my thought process on many days and remind myself how blessed I was to have shared life with Nick for as long as I did and to have been loved so deeply. Joy comes in different ways now, like seeing the mannerisms of their Dad that both Erika and Aaron mirror. One thing for sure is that Nick lives on through those kids! I have learned there is no timeline for grieving. As much as I may not want to feel the deep pain of this great loss, I cannot control it. With the power and strength of my Heavenly Father and the unconditional love and support of my amazing family and friends, I will survive this. In the process, I pray I continue to grow in the right direction.

These verses from James 1:2-4 have come to my mind and heart so often over this last year: "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Honestly, there are times I grow weary in finding the joy throughout the trials and I become tired of having my faith tested. But I know if I let ago of my faith, the one thing that has brought me through every trial I have ever faced, then I am rendered hopeless. 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:6-7.  I am wholeheartedly clinging to these words! 

I always think about Nick saying "I want you to be happy. Please promise me that you and the kids will find happiness when I am gone." It's funny I always thought I was his encourager, but as time goes on, and I remember all his sweet words of wisdom, I realize he was mine. I would say our year of seconds were still full of many firsts and even though we may not see things as clearly as we would like too we have moved forward, we are healing and our faith remains strong through the trials. 

Blessings,

Tammy