Still Learning To Live

 I really don't know where to begin. It has been way too long since I have written. I am so blessed by the consistent friends and followers of this blog asking for an update on our family. Thank you!

 To say that the last 6 months have been a whirlwind is probably a bit of an understatement.  Let me begin with the part-time job I started in April. I really wasn't prepared for what this job would do for me. It slowly helped me regain much of the confidence I had unknowingly lost. Day by day, I began to breathe again in a way I haven't in a very long time.  I realized I was much more capable than I had given myself credit for. I was being mentally productive and using a part of my brain that I believe had gotten a few cobwebs on it! 

Next, we began the process of packing up the house! Moving on from things that were once such a big part of your life can be a very difficult thing to do. Each room holds a special memory of what once was. Honestly, the day I came home without Nick the house just became geography. It was a place where Aaron and I could rest and retreat when we needed to, but not much else. It feels like the final chapter is closing on that part of my life. Very bittersweet, but it is time.

The great thing was that the timing could not have been more perfect to start packing up, because Aaron moved into his own apartment in August with his friend, Ian. He has taken all that life has thrown at him, which has been a lot for a 19 year-old, and it has built such great character, integrity and compassion in him. He had a wonderful summer paid internship at Wells Fargo in Community Relations, and now he is currently working temporarily for the United Way of Northeast Florida. He is working on getting his BA in English with a minor in Business at UNF and a slew of other things! I cannot keep up with it all! I could not be more proud of him.

Okay! Let's talk about dating! Yes, I have experienced my first "real" relationship. It took a while, but Nick gave me the sweet gift of saying I need to move in this area...in fact, he made me promise. I know... what a selfless man, right? I think I could start a whole new blog on the dating scene after 40-something! I pray for God's wisdom and guidance in each and every step of this journey. It is certainly not an easy adjustment but one that seems very natural at this point and time. I have a hard time not comparing to what once was, but I have to believe that God will put me where and with who I should be with. 

On a much different note, some may know that I have had a fear of airplanes for quite a while because of claustrophobia issues. Not anymore... in the words of R. Kelly "I believe I can fly!" I have the traveling bug now and I am enjoying it immensely. I am so thankful to be set free from that issue that has weighed me down for quite some time. I did my first back-to-back solo flights several weeks ago, and on one of the flights I was blessed to be seated by a man who unfortunately had lost his wife three years ago to cancer. Needless to say, we had a great conversation and understanding of one another's life. I remember stepping off the plane, looking up and thanking God for that man. 

Other widows/widowers will often ask me, "Will it get easier?" Yes! It will get easier in many ways, but I think more than that, it just becomes different. I encourage you to let God mold and use you during your healing process. Let Him help you to become better, not bitter, and to grow and not become stagnant. The enemy will want to rob you of your joy in anyway possible, but God is ever-present and wants you to flourish, especially through the pain. HE is the one constant throughout all of this. Although, there are times when I feel I have drifted a little farther from Him that I would like too, I know He is never away from me. When I feel that lack of peace infiltrating from my soul, I know I need to be drawing closer, in his word, on my knees. I am ashamed to say I often times allow "life" to get in the way, but too much life can bring to much strife when you are not walking closely with your Heavenly Father. HE is the only real peace I have ever known or will ever know. 

I look forward to writing more in the near future. I deeply appreciate the encouragement from others to continue to do so. As I have said many times before this blog has been a huge source of healing for me in so many ways. I am thankful! 

Many Blessings!

Tammy 

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

                     

"Sometimes when you can't breathe and your heart feels withered down and dry...God will send you someone that will breathe words of life into your soul. I never take for granted when God sends someone into my life with a word...His Word." 

I sent those words to an old friend several weeks ago after she reached out to me. This is a friend that I knew from high school and had not seen nor spoken too in quite sometime. She shared with me that every time she would drive by the Mayo Clinic she would pray for me and my family, and that to this very day, she still does. My heart melted as I was both thankful and blessed by her words.  

 As we continued catching up and sharing, my friend said something during our conversation that has really stuck in my mind. She shared how she always sees me as someone who has it all together. My heart sunk as she spoke those words, as I knew the real truth. I was far from having it all together, and if publicly I showed the bad days on the outside as often as I have them...would I still be a shining light for Christ? Would people still love me for me, in spite of the mess going on inside? I confess some days I put on that "denial" mask. After all, that is way better than having to deal with the huge hurdles on my path. Can anybody relate? 

I have learned over the years that you never know what someone is going through in their lives. Some people are very open and transparent about their trials, while others choose to tuck that pain away. Maybe it is an "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" kind of thing. I confess I often walk both sides of that fence, but it never fails that when I confide my brokenness with someone, I am usually filled with encouragement and love. That is not to say that some feelings and struggles are not private and personal, but it does help to lighten the load when you confide in someone you trust and they in return show you God's grace and love.  

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.         1 Thessalonians 5:11

I am most surprised to find out that when I let my guard down, so will those around me. Then the layers start to peel off and we see a softer side to one another. We can begin to relate on a deeper level, maybe even form a lifelong friendship. I know I have been immensely blessed to have that happen in my life on several occasions. It is a strange, but wonderful thing, how pain and suffering can bind two people together. 

By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.                    Ecclesiastes 4:12 (MSG)

So, to answer the first question: would I still be a shining light to Christ? Absolutely! Probably even a little more brightly, as others will hopefully see how God is using me and how He is helping me to mend and grow stronger through all my sorrow and pain. I pray that people will see HIS light in me brighter than ever, even when I cannot see it in myself. 

But then we ask, will people still love me for me, in spite of the mess going on inside? Of course they should! Now, I am not going say you won't lose a few folks here and there as you are on the path to healing, and friends, that's okay. Sometimes God does the weeding out for our own good, but there will be those who love you unconditionally and see you through the eyes of Jesus, who will love you past your faults, sorrows and pains. Those 

people are the body of Christ in it's purest form and are the sweetest of blessings.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galations 6:2 

You are a precious gem in the eyes of your Heavenly Father. Please know that what you may see as a mess others may see as a message of hope and strength. 

Blessings Always,

Tammy 

Repost: Someone Else's Shoes

Repost from 12-11-12

Several weeks ago I was on the hunt to find that perfect pair of shoes at a reasonable price for the holidays. After trying on several different pairs I thought I had finally found the perfect ones. I slipped them on, stood up, took a few steps and after wobbling a bit from the very high heel I looked at the associate and said "I can't even walk in these" she chuckled and proudly responded by saying "I could walk a mile in those shoes!" Of course she was twenty-something.

I thought as I left without any shoes that day how I really liked the way those shoes looked, but the fit just wasn't quite right and how there was something so comforting about slipping back into my shoes, no matter how worn or scuffed they may have been. They were my good ole sturdy stand by's that I had put many miles on. Those shoes had walked me through a lot of pain. They may not had been new and glamorous, but they were warm and familiar. They had walked me through hospitals, doctors offices, and even down the halls of Hospice to say good bye.

At times many of us may wonder what it would be like to walk in someone else's shoes, if only for a day. I think we have the capability of doing that to a degree when we walk along side of our brothers and sisters in Christ encouraging, praying and loving them through their pain. Romans 12:15 tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. There is no greater way to walk in someone else's shoes than to be able to understand and help them through their pain. At my age I don't meet many widows, but when I do there is a level that we immediately connect on. I know they get it! They understand that sorrow in my heart like no one else can.

Metaphorically speaking, when we walk in someone else's shoes it should always be to help them and never to judge them.  Don't waste the chance to help someone out of the pit by thinking you could do things better or different, but instead just embrace them and love them unconditionally. Jesus commands in John 13:34 "Love one another as I have loved you." Simply love them through their pain just as Christ does for you.

It is like God is preparing our hearts through the trials to be able to walk in any shoes and to see others just as He does. Sometimes our shoes can become too comfortable and we get so caught up in our problems causing us to miss that unique opportunity to reach out, befriend, and help someone else. Yes,  you can actually use your struggles and pain to help others and in that process heal yourself. Often you will hear people refer to life as a journey. Our shoes should be solid, stable, and have a thick enough sole to endure miles of what could be a very long and painful journey. That's the strength God provides us. He is our stability, the Healer of our hearts and soul, and He walks beside us every step of the way. 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2

So the next time you put on your favorite shoes, think about someone else--a friend, neighbor or family member-- that is struggling this season. Step out of those shoes and go walk with them in theirs. You may be just the person God has chosen to walk them right out of the darkness into His Light. 

Blessings Always,

Tammy 

A Season of Firsts

The holidays are in full swing! The continuious crowds, the sounds of Christmas music wherever you go, the ridiculous amounts of food...and calories! For many this could be a season of "firsts" some joyful ones and maybe some painful ones.

I want to share with you that after surviving a year of "firsts," I feel like I have the strength now to make it through these times and with a much lighter heart and more joy. Thank you Lord! If you are experiencing a season of "firsts," I want to encourage you to pray and cling tightly to the hand of your Heavenly Father. He will never abandon you. You are not alone and you will make it through! 

(Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart). 

Since then I have come to learn that even though I may have survived many "firsts," rebuilding a new life in any situation is still a challenge. A daily challenge! Some days I feel like that new kid at school, so scared and unsure, wondering if I will fit it, questioning where exactly I belong and doubting myself. These are all the things the enemy would like for me to feel and succumb to. Thankfully my heart is glued to a better foundation, one that is solid, strong, stable and gives me the blessed assurance that in Christ I can conquer each day instead of it conquering me. (Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me). God always reminds me, especially through the small things, that He is present and He is there to counteract whatever the enemy wants to throw at me.

I can close my eyes right now and see the faces of many friends that are facing a difficult season of "firsts," and my heart aches for those who will have to endure that journey. I pray you will open your hearts and let God carry you as you stumble through the brief darkness which will soon fade into a brilliant Light that will bring you great peace and much healing. (John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.)You are so loved.

In closing, I wanted to share a little something sweet that is on my heart. I am not sure if it is the season, or that Nick's birthday is coming up, but lately I have had many friends sharing with me how much he has been in their thoughts. I love hearing about the fond memories and funny stories that he left for us all to enjoy. I love knowing that he is always thought of. That brings me such joy. Something he always said to me was "Don't forget about me!" And I would say "Like we ever could, my love." So, thank you for sharing with me and blessing me with your memories of Nick. What a precious gift!

As aways I am thankful for this opportunity to share a little bit of my heart with you all. Thank you  reading this blog. I hope you can feel the love that my Heavenly Father has so graciously placed in my heart to share. 

Blessings,

Tammy 

Our Special Day

It is hard to wake up on this day and not have my heart long to celebrate what would have been my 21st wedding anniversary.

As the days continue to hurriedly brush by, I feel my heart continuing to mend from that which has been lost. But I believe the special days will always remain just that, special. These times are mine to keep deep in my heart, to share, laugh, cry and to reminisce about. I never realized how wonderfully sacred a memory could be until I lost someone I loved.

This may sound strange to some, but I have often thought, if only I were given a few short minutes to talk to Nick, what would I say? 

 If that day were today... I would tell him I love and miss him so much. I know without a doubt you are basking in Heavenly splendor, you are happy and praise God you are healthy. I would tell him that I appreciate and covet all the little nuggets of advice that he so lovingly and un-selfessly gave to me in an effort to make moving on just a little bit easier. With tears streaming I would share how some days are simply just still so hard without him, but those tears would quickly fade and a smile would emerge as I tenderly express the irrafutable joy I get when I look at our son and see the reflection of his father in his eyes.

I would tell him what a joyful privilege it has been for me to watch the bond between a brother and sister become stronger than ever, even after losing their Dad. I know how happy that would make him! And as proudly as I could say it, I would gush about what amazing young adults Aaron and Erika are and how much they miss their dad.  

 I certainly wouldn't miss the chance to share how much his friends miss him too, how often his name is mentioned, always with a fondness and never without a smile. The Nick-isms will live on forever!

Lastly, I would sweetly tell him what I think I miss the most is having his love present in my life everyday. Having my best friend there to share things with and feeling that warm comfort of having his arms wrapped around me, making me feel so safe and protected. These things seem the hardest to live without. 

But I have learned now to seek those things in which my heart desires in the arms of my Heavenly Father. I know that whatever heartache and pain I may endure in this life God himself will alway be with me, to comfort, love and protect me. The key is keeping my eyes fixed upon Him. Always glorifying His name above all names and fully submitting my heart to Him. 

Truthfully, I do not know if this kind of transformation would have taken place in my heart if I had not lost my husband. I would like to think so, but the reality is, it is through the pain and suffering that I have learned the greatest lessons of unconditional love and forgiveness along with completely surrendering everything to my King (maybe I still have some work to do in the surrendering everything area!). 

It is the "special" days that seem to bring about the most reflecting in my heart. I am so thankful that the image I see is more transformed by His hands everyday. 

Thank you for letting me share my heart. Through each word a little piece of it always heal. 

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. Psalm 18:2

Blessings Always,

Tammy

July 13th, 2012

It has been a while since I last felt lead to blog. Sometimes you just have to step back, give it a break and wait for your heart to lead you. I am always humbled by others checking on us when I haven't written in a while to make sure we are doing okay. Thank you!

 An update:

I am eagerly waiting on that next phase of my life to begin.I am trusting and believing that it will involve me being employed! I know God is working on my behalf and that He will answer my prayer in His perfect timing. I see things beginning to change in that area, and although I am somewhat anxious, I have to say I am also very excited at what the future has in store for me. It has been a long time since I felt like that. Starting over at 46 years old is no easy task! But I have to say I am ready and I thank the Lord for getting me to this point. I am always so blown away at God's impeccable timing with things. He always knows what I need and when I need it. Amen!

Aaron is doing great! He is still on course with his plan--God's plan, that is-- and since graduating I have seen him really start to relax and just enjoy this time before starting his busy schedule in August. It gives me such great joy to see him happy, content and pursuing the call that has been placed on his heart.

We recently spent July 4th celebrating with a tradition that we started with Nick probably 7 years ago. We go to Amelia Island, eat dinner with friends, and watch the fireworks on the beach. I think the sweetest part of that night was when Aaron and I were driving home, I started tearing up and said "I was really thinking about your Dad so much tonight" and Aaron said "So was I". I realized as time goes on those are some very sweet and sacred moments between me and my boy.

Although life is certainly not always easy, it has become manageable and for that I am so very grateful. I look forward to getting my next FACES story written and posted. Writing for me, whether it is my story or someone else's has been an immense blessing. This blog has become part of me and my life. I have laughed, cried, grieved, and grown through every post. But what I am most proud of is how my Heavenly Father has been present and glorified throughout.

Recently at church, a friend looked at me and said "God's not finished with you yet." Wow! Those words opened the flood gates of my heart. I needed to be reminded of that, I think we all do. Many times we feel like we have reached "the end" of something in our lives, losing a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, etc., and  those things do bring a certain kind of finality, but it is not the end for us. We still have life, a life that God wants to bless abundantly and use to glorify His name. This is your chance to pay forward to others the grace, mercy and love that has been extended to you during your time of need, a unique opportunity to have a real heart change, a chance at a new life, a life God has designed specifically for you! Amen!

In closing, I want to say I am so thankful for each and every reader of this blog. I am grateful for your encouragement over the last couple of years and for sticking with me on this journey. I am always so very humbled when anything that I write helps another human being in any way. The credit belongs solely to my Heavenly Father for without Him the paper would stay blank.

Much love and many blessings,

Tammy

February 2nd, 2012

As a Mother, being able to celebrate our children's birthday is a wonderful priviledge. I have so much joy thinking about my "baby" Aaron turning 18 tomorrow (Feb. 3rd). It breaks my heart to realize that I barely remember him turning 17, as it was such a difficult time for us. So, I pray that this birthday will be extra special for him. If I had my way, there would be birthday hats, blowers, pin the tail on the donkey, etc...But I will spare him that embarrassment and instead share my heart. 

Aaron this is for you Boo! (sorry, that is my nickname for him)!

I know this is one of your favorites:

1 Peter, “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith--more precious than gold that perishes though tested by fire--may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with a joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”

When I think about all that God has orchestrated in my life, everything down to the last little detail, the thing that blows me away the most is you. He created you with such strength, love and determination. And although, I know you have had to grow up quickly, you really have always had that "old soul" within you. I think that Josh Turner says it best when you calls you a "man- child." It is so true! 

To say you make me proud doesn't even begin to describe how my heart feels. Watching you endure the loss of your dad, and seeing you walk closer to the Lord than ever before has been a remarkable sight. God has used you in such a way, that not only have you been a witness to so many others, but your obedience to the Lord has ministered to me in ways that I cannot even begin to explain and I am the parent!  

To look at you and see the man you are becoming moves me to tears. Your Dad use to say he would live on through his kids, and when I see that certain look on your face or hear that infamous Badida laugh, I know he was right. I cherish those moments and you must know how proud you made your Dad.

I do not know what the future holds for you. I know we are doing the only thing we know how to do and that is pray and trust the Lord with every decision. I know whatever happens God will have his hand on you, leading, guiding and continuing to mold you into the man He wants you to be.

 God has blessed us with each other, you are my joy and it is a privilege to be your Mom! 

I hope you enjoy every single second of your special day (better yet your special weekend)! Happy Birthday!

I love you, 


Mom