Always With Us

Nicks Bible

January 29th, 2011: At about 3:10 PM today, on a beautiful, sunny Saturday, Nick went to be with the Lord.

 Two years.... Two years without that smile, that warm hug, those long walks, our morning coffee on the back porch, celebrating special occasions, going to church together, precious family time, and the words I miss hearing Nick say the most, "I love you."

 Time has a very unique way of easing some of the pain, but the wounds seem to open up slightly more on days like today. Although we are blessed with marvelous memories of an exceptional man, it is hard to think of them and not have your heart fill up with tears from missing him and all that he so lovingly and unselfishly enriched our lives with. 

I used to dream often about Nick and I loved that. I loved that through those dreams I could see and hear him so clearly and for that brief time things felt so normal again, and even though sometimes I would be sad when I awoke, because I wanted it to be real, I was still grateful to have had that time with him in my dreams. But as time has gone on those dreams have become much less frequent, in fact I could not remember when the last one was. Then a few mornings ago I awoke with tears streaming down my face. I had dreamed that I was holding on so tightly to Nick and asking him to please never leave me and he was holding me just as tightly and promising that he would always be with us. What a treasure I found in that dream!

I started to pray and thank God for never leaving or forsaking us and for pulling us out of that grieving pit each and every time and, although I cannot always see or feel Him doing it, I am able to sit and write this today because He has.

I am amazed at how I can grieve and rejoice at the same time. I am grieving at what has been lost, yet rejoicing at the splendor of what it must be like for Nick right now as he basks in the eternity of  Heaven.  To truly understand that the ones we have loved and lost have been set free...frees us as well.

Thank you all for your kind sentiments over the last few days and for always remembering my man. Please know I am truly grateful for your unconditional love and your never-ending prayers for me and my family.

“It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for that long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.” --Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Blessings Always,

Tammy

A Year of Seconds

Priceless Treasure

As I was organizing some things last week I came across this little gem. It was a card Nick had attached to a Christmas gift he had given me a few years ago. Can I tell you that I feel like I have won the lottery when I find these things! Seeing his handwriting, remembering that time, and for a brief second becoming enveloped in the indescribable joy of that memory, was wonderful, yet bittersweet.

 I have often heard others who have lost loved ones say how much harder the second year seemed to be than the first. I couldn't imagine that, but have since realized just how true that is. As January 29th  approaches, I can tell you that year two has proven to be very emotionally painful in ways that I was not prepared for. When I look back over that first year I see a person who was really just trying to keep her head above water and who was and is rather emotionally vulnerable.

I know without a doubt that God's strength has brought Aaron and me through many painful days. Yes, there has been joy sprinkled in between those days of sorrow, but His plan for our lives is far from being over and we still have much healing that needs to take place. One of the things that year two brought on was the awakening of many forgotten memories. The human mind has a way of being able to tuck away a lot of the memories that involved the pain and suffering, and it begins to remember the Nick before all of that, the Nick that was healthy and happy. Although they are good memories, they can be painful. The reality of "this is life now" has a way of really just taking your breath away at times.

Year two also leaves me wondering who I still am, what God's plan really is for me, and still coming to grips with not being a wife. I often find myself looking at someone's hand just to get a glimpse of that little circle of love and for that moment getting a lump in my throat as I still feel for mine. My thoughts will occasionally drift to what once was as I notice a couple walking hand in hand, or hearing others speak about their anniversaries, or special occasions with their spouses and think that used to be me.

I have to redirect my thought process on many days and remind myself how blessed I was to have shared life with Nick for as long as I did and to have been loved so deeply. Joy comes in different ways now, like seeing the mannerisms of their Dad that both Erika and Aaron mirror. One thing for sure is that Nick lives on through those kids! I have learned there is no timeline for grieving. As much as I may not want to feel the deep pain of this great loss, I cannot control it. With the power and strength of my Heavenly Father and the unconditional love and support of my amazing family and friends, I will survive this. In the process, I pray I continue to grow in the right direction.

These verses from James 1:2-4 have come to my mind and heart so often over this last year: "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Honestly, there are times I grow weary in finding the joy throughout the trials and I become tired of having my faith tested. But I know if I let ago of my faith, the one thing that has brought me through every trial I have ever faced, then I am rendered hopeless. 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:6-7.  I am wholeheartedly clinging to these words! 

I always think about Nick saying "I want you to be happy. Please promise me that you and the kids will find happiness when I am gone." It's funny I always thought I was his encourager, but as time goes on, and I remember all his sweet words of wisdom, I realize he was mine. I would say our year of seconds were still full of many firsts and even though we may not see things as clearly as we would like too we have moved forward, we are healing and our faith remains strong through the trials. 

Blessings,

Tammy 

A Heart Exchange

I was a woman of courage a few days ago! I decided to brave the crowds, search endlessly for that perfect parking spot and see for myself if there were really any great deals that I couldn't resist. Although I found a few here and there, what I kept noticing was the mass of amounts of people who seemed to be returning or exchanging gifts they had received.

As I stood in line to ring up what I considered to be my gem of a find, I could not help but overhear the lady in front of me telling the sales associate that she would like to exchange the beautiful watch she had received, but simply did not need, for a pair of small earrings, and to please put the remaining balance on a gift card that she could give to someone else.

She finished up and was smiling big as she walked away! I watched her take the earrings out of the bag and proudly put them on before she even left the store. I saw the watch sitting there that she had exchanged, and I knew the monetary value of it. I was in awe of that lady at that moment. I thought she had just made a great exchange! And it had nothing to do with the gift! She seemed more than happy to give up that big, flashy, expensive watch for a small, simple pair of earrings and a gift card that she could pay forward. She was content!

I couldn't stop thinking about that woman and her willingness to exchange the big for the small...or what the world would view as such. I thought about what would I be willing to exchange or replace to have that contentment and peace that I saw her walk away with. Maybe it wasn't a material item that I would need to exchange, but instead an exchange in my heart. 

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way.--Psalm 139:23-24

When is the last time you got down on your knees and ask God to help you examine your heart and maybe do a little exchanging to get rid of that heaviness that is weighing you down? What would set you free and bring you that peace and contentment? Perhaps bitterness for forgiveness, anger for gladness, hate for love, acceptance for judgement, or sorrow for joy. Whatever it is, ask your Heavenly Father to help you let it go, to help you make that exchange.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.Renew a loyal spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 

As I continue to clean out or make exchanges in my own heart I feel so much more of God's love filling in the vacant spaces where pain used to live. A heart filled with God's love beats the strongest!

Start today by making one heart exchange. Ask God to help remove those things that take up the space where He longs to be. Free yourself from the bondage of whatever it is that keeps you from being happy, whole, and healed. He is waiting to take that burden from you right now. 

"A clean heart is a happy heart...." Mother Teresa

I pray God blesses you all beyond measure in the upcoming year. Thank you for your continued love, support and encouragement for me and my family. 

Blessings,

Tammy 

Repost: Someone Else's Shoes

Repost from 12-11-12

Several weeks ago I was on the hunt to find that perfect pair of shoes at a reasonable price for the holidays. After trying on several different pairs I thought I had finally found the perfect ones. I slipped them on, stood up, took a few steps and after wobbling a bit from the very high heel I looked at the associate and said "I can't even walk in these" she chuckled and proudly responded by saying "I could walk a mile in those shoes!" Of course she was twenty-something.

I thought as I left without any shoes that day how I really liked the way those shoes looked, but the fit just wasn't quite right and how there was something so comforting about slipping back into my shoes, no matter how worn or scuffed they may have been. They were my good ole sturdy stand by's that I had put many miles on. Those shoes had walked me through a lot of pain. They may not had been new and glamorous, but they were warm and familiar. They had walked me through hospitals, doctors offices, and even down the halls of Hospice to say good bye.

At times many of us may wonder what it would be like to walk in someone else's shoes, if only for a day. I think we have the capability of doing that to a degree when we walk along side of our brothers and sisters in Christ encouraging, praying and loving them through their pain. Romans 12:15 tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. There is no greater way to walk in someone else's shoes than to be able to understand and help them through their pain. At my age I don't meet many widows, but when I do there is a level that we immediately connect on. I know they get it! They understand that sorrow in my heart like no one else can.

Metaphorically speaking, when we walk in someone else's shoes it should always be to help them and never to judge them.  Don't waste the chance to help someone out of the pit by thinking you could do things better or different, but instead just embrace them and love them unconditionally. Jesus commands in John 13:34 "Love one another as I have loved you." Simply love them through their pain just as Christ does for you.

It is like God is preparing our hearts through the trials to be able to walk in any shoes and to see others just as He does. Sometimes our shoes can become too comfortable and we get so caught up in our problems causing us to miss that unique opportunity to reach out, befriend, and help someone else. Yes,  you can actually use your struggles and pain to help others and in that process heal yourself. Often you will hear people refer to life as a journey. Our shoes should be solid, stable, and have a thick enough sole to endure miles of what could be a very long and painful journey. That's the strength God provides us. He is our stability, the Healer of our hearts and soul, and He walks beside us every step of the way. 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2

So the next time you put on your favorite shoes, think about someone else--a friend, neighbor or family member-- that is struggling this season. Step out of those shoes and go walk with them in theirs. You may be just the person God has chosen to walk them right out of the darkness into His Light. 

Blessings Always,

Tammy