So I was surprised when last Tuesday evening rolled around and I felt so much anxiety I could hardly sleep. As I began to get dressed the next morning I was physically shaking just thinking about having to go. I had not felt this kind of anxiety in a long time. I sent out a request to some prayer warriors to cover me in prayer. As I began to drive to my appointment I could not stop the tears. Why was I afraid? Why was this time different? I realized it had nothing to do with getting a mammogram, but more with the environment I was going to have to walk into and all of those feelings from last year came flooding back. It was like a wound that had almost healed was opening back up just enough to remind me of that pain and suffering.
My fear was taking over as I began to think about being a single parent now and the "what ifs?" As I arrived and parked, I sat in the car for a moment to pray and wipe my tears. I thought about the many people that do suffer from cancer as my husband did, that would week in and week out go for MRI's, CT scans and mammograms, people that have every reason to have that kind of anxiety and fear. As I checked in and sat down I began to feel a calmness. I knew prayers went up and God was there to comfort me and get me through.
Wouldn't you know it, all of that anxiety and there was a scheduling error! Yes, you read it right. It just wasn't the time for me to do it. So I will go back this Tuesday morning. Everything in the Lord's timing right? Things are already going much smoother in preparation for that appointment and I am feeling a lot calmer. I think it is safe to say my emotions are still very raw with certain things. I appreciate the advice I recently received from a friend who said " I am sure your emotions caught you off guard, I hope you are cutting yourself some slack, Rome wasn't built in a day." Somethings I definitely needed to be reminded of.
As I lay in bed that night I thought about the day and all the emotions I had gone through. I felt my heart had grown more tender than ever before and I was feeling overwhelming sympathy for what so many other's that are ill have to endure on a daily basis. I thank God for peeling yet another layer from me and helping me to better see others as He does.
This is another step on my journey to healing and learning to live.