Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sunday, Jan 30th, 2011

Just wanted to let you all know we are doing ok. So many sweet messages coming through to us. I am really trying to just rest and get over this bronchitis. I was so fortunate to have most of the planning done ahead of time.

A sad but calm and peaceful day. I did not know what to do with myself not having to go to Mayo or hospice. It is like you have to re-program yourself to try and relax. Even being sick it is hard to do that. But I am trying, I promise!

God really put on my heart that today was the first day of a new life, a very different life for us, but a life that I am sure He will continue to fill with amazing love, comfort and peace. I have to tell you I feel Nick with me and that should not surprise me, he walked beside me for 19 years he is not going to leave me now.

I do think about how happy he must be today, how handsome he must look, how I am sure he is making everyone in Heaven chuckle with that quick wit of his. God sure did pick a good man to call home!

The obituary will be available online and in the newspaper on Tuesday. It will have all the information for the service Saturday.Your prayers for us to feel God's comfort and peace are being heard and answered. Thank you!

Hope to see you all Saturday.

The Badidas

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Saturday, January 29th, 2011

At about 3:10 PM today, on a beautiful, sunny Saturday, Nick went to be with the Lord.

He was surrounded by me, Erika, and Aaron; we all had our hands on him, and each of us told him we loved him. It wasn't but moments after that he took his final breath and escaped this suffering he had endured for so very long. The nurse pressed her stethoscope to his chest, looked at us, and said that he was "Walking the streets of gold now."

Our prayer had always been that we would be there by his side, and that he would go peacefully. The Lord blessed us with these prayers today.

This has been such a long, long journey. The sadness is surreal. We smile when we think about him in heaven, but our hearts grieve when we think about what an incredible man we lost.

As soon as the arrangements have been finalized, we will update. Nick's request was to be cremated, and we do know that the memorial service will be next Saturday, February 5th, at Chets Creek Church off Hodges. We will have the times and details soon.

We were given the gift of time, so most of the arrangments have already been made. The next few days are really just going to be a time for us to rest, cry, laugh, and spend time together.

You have all been so faithful and steadfast in your walk with us, and we thank you for never letting go. We look forward to celebrating Nick's life and testimony with you all.

"Sweet Beulah Land"

I'm kind of homesick for a country
To which I've never been before;
No sad goodbyes will there be spoken,
And time won't matter any more.

Beulah land ... I'm longing for you,
And, some day, on thee I'll stand;
There my home shall be eternal.
Beulah land ... sweet Beulah land.

I'm looking now across the river
Where my faith will end in sight;
There's just a few more days to labor,
And then I'll take my heavenly flight.

Beulah land ... I'm longing for you,
And, some day, on thee I'll stand;
There my home shall be eternal.
Beulah land ... sweet Beulah land.

Praise the Lord that Nick longs no more.

The Badidas

Friday, January 28, 2011

Friday, Jan 28th, 2011

It seems since Sunday night Nick has not opened his eyes really, he is comfortable until they have to adjust him in the bed, then you witness the amount of pain he is still in. He was running another fever yesterday, and they finally managed to get him cathed. He is having some internal bleeding, not sure why, at this point they do not check. It is just about keeping him comfortable. It is not easy seeing him these days as he is changing so much. He has not consumed any food for almost two weeks and no liquids for well over a week.

He has really come to the point of peaceful sleeping. No more trying to get up in the middle of the night. The last time he did do that was Sunday night and the nurse said when they got to his room he was kneeling on both knees, with his face in his hands, talking. She said without a doubt he was praying. Maybe he was praying for that peace he has so desperately wanted, and if so, his prayer was answered because he has not moved or spoken since.

In many ways this is such a painful thing to watch, but in some ways there are things I see and hear that make me feel like I have never been in the presence so closely with the Lord before. I think there are certain things God allows us to see and be a part of when the end of life is near. I know I have seen many things over the last several weeks.

I know you faithful prayers are praying so hard over our family right now, maybe throw a little extra one in there today for my health. I feel so guilty even asking that after seeing what Nick goes through, but I have to stay healthy and right now I am not. I am heading to the doctor today for some meds. Thank you!

So many are asking what you can do? Honestly friends right now we are just waiting for God. Just knowing you are all standing in the gap, waiting with us and praying over us daily is what we need. It is because of those constant prayers that we are still able to walk this difficult, painful path everyday. Do not under estimate what your prayers are doing in our lives!!!

If Nick could speak I know he would want to tell you he loves you. So allow me the honor to say that we do love you and feel you surrounding us, especially as that time grows near when Jesus will be calling my sweet man home.

Blessings forever and ever,

The Badidas

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sunday, January 23rd, 2011

It really has been an uneventful few days until later this afternoon. I had been w Nick all morning, he was sleeping peacefully and looked ok. Left the room for about 45 minutes or so and upon returning I notice Nick looked pail, breathing sounded different, when I asked him what was wrong, he said the word pain, so I knew he had to be in pain, I asked where, he said all over. I do think his pain is increasing but he is so sedated it is hard to communicate that. But I also think that his disease is taking over. The nurse said his respiratory was lower then usual at that time. She called the doctor and they increased the pain meds just a little. His heart rate has increased, color has changed, but his respiration is at a good level for now. They are continuing to monitor it around the clock.

To try and make a very long story short, during the midst of this today, I met a nurse named Marsha. She began to tell me the story of when Nick was sleeping at the nurses station last week, she said he was talking out loud, very plainly saying "thank you for being patient with me, I dont understand why this is happening to me, but you are so nice and kind and the angels beautiful and I dont understand, but I am going to trust you" and then he would cry a lot, talk some more, and even laugh a little. Marsha got some other nurses to come and listen, she said she knew he was talking to Jesus, she said you could just tell. Friends and family let me say in my heart I have no doubt!! Nick was talking to his Heavenly Father. I hope you find encouragement & peace in this. To know someone you love is having a conversation with Jesus and is going to spend an eternity with Him is so amazing, I cannot even express it in words.

I also want to share something with you and it is kind of sensitive, but it is on my heart in a big way. This Wednesday will mark our 4 week stay in Hospice. So needless to say, I have seen several patients come and go. I always noticed that they bring in the rolling bed with a burgundy velvet blanket when someone has passed. I was so touched at what I witnessed yesterday. They had to pass by our room as they left with a sweet, elderly woman. We knew what had happened because we saw them go into her room. As they passed by I noticed she was covered only from the chest down by the velvet blanket and they had laid a single rose upon her chest. I do not know why, but I found that to be so amazingly tender.

I began to think about how I will feel the day they bring the blanket for my sweet man. I want and hope to see that velvet blanket as a symbol of the warmth and comfort that Nick will feel in the arms of his Heavenly Father and that the rose will symbolize the eternal life that he has finally found in God's marvelous Kingdom.

I am holding on so tightly to my King right now. Clinging to His promises of eternal life with no more pain and suffering. I do not know what the next several days will bring, although my heart feels we are soon approaching the day when Nick will be set free. Please know sweet friends and family we are also clinging to your prayers and love. I tell Nick everyday how much he is loved and prayed for. Thank you for blessing us always.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord!

The Badidas

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Wednesday, Jan 19th, 2011

Not much change over the last couple of days. Monday night Nick slept through the night and then last night was a rough one. Today, during the times I was there he slept very sound and peacefully. Hopefully, he will begin to have less of what Hospice refers to as "terminal restlessness". I do see some slow progress of less anxiety. Still not eating,(couple spoons of jello maybe) and barely any liquids, a few ice chips here and there.

Seeng Nick go through this type of mental and physical termoil over the last week, I feel helps us (me and the kids) to be more at peace with what lies ahead. I wonder if sometimes God allows us to see these sufferings in preparation for letting go when that time comes and hope of easing the pain a bit.

I feel that God has also helped me with the task of having to plan those things that are uncomfortable to even talk about let alone actually have to go forward with.HE has been apart of every detail, no matter how small. I know this because of the way things are falling into place with ease and comfort. I praise Him so much that and I am so thankful!!

I will blog only as things progress. Your prayers continue to blanket us with peace and love everyday. I read to Nick every card, FB post, text, etc...even though he can seldom respond, I feel in my heart he can hear me. I tell him he is loved and prayed for by so many. God is moving and lives are being changed, this journey will have great purpose in the the name of our mighty Lord!


The Badidas

Monday, January 17, 2011

Monday January 17th, 2011

Rough couple of days for Nick (all of us really). For some reason Nick is becoming very combative at times, especially in the late night. When I got here this morning they had him in this like rolling recliner/bed thing behind the nurses station, because they were afraid he would hurt himself. He also was saying this morning he couldnt see? Not sure if that is coming and going right now.

They have him pretty well sedated right now. The Doctor just left. They will increase pain meds and also add Thorazine (a heavy duty sedative) as needed. He had just a brief moment this morning when he knew I was here and he started crying. Everyone here at Hospice assures me that this is all part of the process. I guess because I have never had to witness "the process" it is very difficult to wrap my mind around it.

Now the Thorazine should hopefully keep Nick sedated enough so he is able to find the place of peacefulness and sleep, and so he will not be a danger to himself. However, we will have to wait and see as Nick does not seem to respond typically to things as he should. Pray it will work for him.

We play praise and worship music all day long in room 504. Just keeping this place filled with the presence of the Most Holy One. Trusting that as we are walking through this fire our Protector keeps us from getting burned. The flames are so high right now and they are surrounding us, but we feel safe. Praise God for His light during these darks times!!!

I know you are all still on this journey with us every step of the way, we feel your prayers and love everyday.

Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the Godly to slip and fall. Psalm 55:22 NLT

Basking in the comfort of our Lord,

The Badidas

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Saturday Jan 15th, 2011

Let me say I am now usually updating blog from my phone, so please excuse the spelling errors as I am typing to get info and prayer requests out quickly.

Aaron and I left hospice about 7:00 last night. Nick resting peacefully. Then about 11:00 I got a call that he had tried to get out of bed and fell. He has a bed alarm so the nurses said they got to him quickly. We come right over and luckily he did not hurt himself. The nurses said he had been somewhat combative. So surprising because that is just not my Nick.

He does seem to experience a lot of late night restlessness. They tell me here that is common in a lot of patients. He is really not aware of what he is doing. He finally fell back into a deep sleep and slept until this morning. We were able to go home ane sleep a while.

I prayed so hard last night for relief for him, from pain, and for his mental and emotional well being. He awoke this morning still having same restlessness and anxiety.
When we arrived, we sat with him just trying to calm him, he began to cry. He said he did not want to live like this, that is wasn't right, he is tired of the pain. I told him I promised to do all I can to help him through this. Just so much suffering.

The doctor is again increasing pain meds. We are going to try Haldol again as well for night restlessness & anxiety along with the adivan. Nick is in a totally different mental place now than when they tried the Haldol before. Please pray this will work for him.

He has now been sleeping peacefully for the last few hours. But prayfully with new med he will be able to rest without interuption through the night. Everyday brings something new. Just when you think you have found the right combination, something else comes along. I just want peace and comfort to consume his mind and body.

We have a radio in here on 88.1 playing some really good praise & worship today. It is peaceful for the time being. You never really know what to expect from day to day.

Appreciate and covet all of you sweet words. Love and blessings today and always.

Jesus love you so much!! So do we!

The Badidas

Friday, January 14, 2011

Update Friday, January 14th, 2011

I do not even know where to begin. Today has been an emotional rollarcoaster. When I first arrived this morning Nick did not reconize me, heartbreaking does not even describe how that made me feel, even after being here a bit, he still did not know who I was. During that time he was talking about his Mom a lot. He would say he saw his mom, talk to his mom, things like that. All of a sudden he began to cry as he realized his Mom had passed away many years ago. He seemed to be literally grieving, then he looked at me and grabbed my hand and I knew he reconized me again.

A couple of nurses came in and by this time we are both crying, they explained this is very normal and that Nick is in a restless transition to passing on, you always think you are prepared, but those words were very painful to here.

We rubbed his head, just trying to calm him through the distress. After he calmed a bit, the nurse said I could lie next to him and I said it would be easier if the brace were off, they consulted with the Doctor and decided it was ok. So came the light in the darkness. They removed his brace!!! I felt the weight lifted off and I didnt even have to wear it. Nick made a sigh of relief sound. I did lay beside him for a while, but even just the pressure of me touching his shoulder was painful, and that is the left shoulder, so both are hurting now. Doctor continuing to increase the pain meds a little each day. Still no eating, no drinking.

I see the changes happening before me, but it is hard to grasp. I feel like Nick is in a spiritual realm right now, with times of real peace and comfort. I am grateful for those times. I do feel over the next several days when they increase the medicene (as needed) he will begin to lose conscienceness little by little and that is a painful reality for me.

Nick also kept saying this morning that he was going home. He would say "when I am going home?"
There will come a moment where I will have to do the most selfless thing I have ever done and tell him it is ok to go home now. Go dance for Jesus.

It is ONLY through the strength of our Soverign Lord that I am able to type this blog to you all today, trust that Nick will suffer no more, and hope that our Heavenly Father is glorified through it all.

Love and blessings to you all from hospice room 504. A room filled with the peace and love of our Lord and Saviour.

The Badidas

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wednesday January 12th, 2011 update

New stuff!! Let me first say the pain is more controlled as long as Nick doesn't move, any movement of that right arm brings the pain on. Stillness is the key right now. The Doctor is making no changes in the meds today and will continue to watch his pain levels.

I noticed after being here a bit Nick started looking flushed and I saw his forehead sweating, so I got the nurse to take his temperature and he does have a fever. Not sure what is causing it yet, but they will continue to watch it, and treat it with tylenol.

Other than that he is just sleeping away, a little agitated today, but that could be the fever. Breakfast seems to be when he eats the most. He was not to interested in lunch today.

His personality still shines through. I was rubbing his arm yesterday and he took my hand and kissed it. He will occasionally just pucker up his lips if I am sitting on the bed with him for a smooch. You can put those times in a box with a big red bow, because those moments are sweet gifts to me and my heart.

It is my priviledge to spend this time with him, and our kids. There are days when I realize I didn't even think about life outside of this room. My heart knows that one day I won't have this time.

BUT.....I do think about the prayers and love given to us daily by all of you and that brings me joy and comfort as I continue on this journey.

I will continue to update as needed. Please pray for Nicks fever to break and for the cause of it to be revealed if need be.

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning, your faithfulness in the evening." Psalm 92:1-2 (NLT)

In The Sweet Name Of Jesus,

The Badidas

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

Just saw Doctor (forgot different doctors on Tues & Fri ergh!!). The problem with different doctors, they all have different opinions and ways to medicate, but thankfully she made no changes. Night duty nurse said Nick slept well, and he ate sum breakfast this morning. You have to feed it to him as he sleeps between bites, but at least he ate more.

He has been sleeping since I got here, woke up for just a few seconds, but happy to say he appears to be resting comfortable. I cannot ask for much more than that right now. No pain is a blessing!! So thankful!!

I want to share with you a Devotional I read this morning. It just made me want to shout out!!

Mission Accomplished
One day, we won't have to settle for brief spells of soul satisfaction. We'll spend ALL eternity singing God praises for the victories He gave us on earth. Our mission accomplished, we'll fill Heaven with the rejoicing of satisfied souls.

Doesn't that make you just so joyful, so full of hope? It sure does me, especially as I sit here watching Nick sleep, and knowing his mission will be accomplished.

We love you friends, you are the all so WONDERFUL!!!

Praising the Lord,

The Badidas

Monday, January 10, 2011

Monday January 10th, 2011

This is just such a suffering time for Nick, for us all really. Doctor just left, she has increased ALL of his meds and the frequency in which some of them are administered, working so hard to try and find that relief we all want for him.

The way I can describe it to you is like this, he is always in pain, but he can sleep through a lot of it, then all of a sudden he will have this gripping pain in his right shoulder and arm (where tumor is). It can last up to 5 mins,(sometimes longer) and he is begging for help and relief. Then once it eases he will fall back into a deep sleep. Yesterday those pains were very frequent. He has had several this morning, but prayfully as they continue to increase the meds he will feel them less and less.

They did equip him with a catheter, which he removed himself ( I dont know why he did), they wanted him to have it because the more sedation, the less he can get up, plus it seems like any movement causes that piercing pain to occur. So now I am not sure how they will proceed with that.

The doctor said she will check back on him this afternoon again before she leaves and if he is still having intense pain they will increase his meds again.
Its weird at first I didnt want him to have all these meds, but now I am so thankful for them. It is the only relief he gets. I am surprised also to see the decrease in his appetite.

No moments of clarity these days, it is all about pain relief for my man. My heart tells me the path is being cleared for him and for us. There is a different feeling in the air the last couple of days. I will call it a peaceful calmness. You would think at a time like this, you would feel worried, a little panic, or unsure. I was feeling a lot of that a week ago, but now because I am holding hands with my Prince of Peace tighter than I ever have, HE takes those feelings and turns them into assurance that Nick will one day be pain free.

I have the window in Nicks room open a little, I am listening to the rain and hearing my Heavenly Father say to me "Be still, and know that I am God". It is in these rare quiet times that He comforts me the most. I do not want to miss that moment when God is wanting to tell me something.

Specific prayer requests have not changed. Nick to get relief from the pain. For our family to have continued strength and peace. Wisdom for all any decisions that may need to be made.

The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. Psalm 145:18

With A Heart Full of Love,

The Badidas

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sunday January 9th, 2011

They were able to get mew meds started yesterday afternoon. They can't go in at the same dosage, they have to work back up because he still has a high level of morphine in his system. Nick is still experiencing "breakthrough" pain and when it hits, it is so severe.

He sleeps pretty well in between the breakthroughs. He only ate a little yogurt yesterday. They have also increased the adavant for anxiety, because you know with pain comes anxiety. I do feel like I am seeing signs of some brain disfunction due to the disease versus the medicene. Just certain things here and there that you know can't be caused from the medicene.

Prayerfully by tomorrow he will have more relief, or maybe even this afternoon. We have not had any of "our" moments in the last couple of days. Even though I miss them, it is a sacrifice I am ok with, because I would rather him be out of pain.

Your facebook posts, texts and emails are such an encouragement to me. They are words of life that build me up and feed my soul. THANK YOU!!!

Wait passionately for God. He'll give you your place in the sun. Psalm 37:34 MSG.

Jesus Loves Me This I Know.....

The Badidas

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Update Saturday, January 8th, 2011

Prayers today for pain relief. It is awful. Yesterday Nick slept most of the day. I would wake him up to try and eat/drink or occasionally the pain would wake him up. Today about every 5-10 mins he is grabbing his shoulder, pleading for some relief. The Doctor was here, so she was able to see his pain and has decided to switch his pain medication to something else since he is not getting the relief he should have by now on the Morphine. They have to order the new meds, it will take a bit to get it here. In the mean time they are working on keeping him as comfortable as possible with some anxiety medicene.

As I see this progress, I know he is where he needs to be. We have such a sweet, Godly nurse today, Donna. We just had a great conversation about walking with the Lord. Jesus knew I needed her today.

I will update later this evening after we see if the new medicene is working. In closing I would ask that you pray specifically for the Dilaudid (new pain med) to relieve Nicks pain and quickly. What I am seeing this morning just makes me so sad for him, but I trusting that our Heavenly Father will bring Nick the comfort he needs and that we all want for him.

The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. Psalm 145:14

In The Name Of The LORD,

The Badidas

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Update January 5th, 2011

I went to bed last night and awoke this morning with this overwhelming feeling of sadness and heartache. Tears, tears and more tears from the uncertainty of how things will happen, but also knowing that when THAT day comes, Nick will be able to rejoice pain free, with no brace, and no cancer. I was thinking of the song by Mercy Me " I Can Only Imagine" I have no doubt Nick will dance for Jesus.

I pleaded to my Lord this morning for some moments of clarity with Nick today, to be able to see some of his expressions shine through. I do feel like I was blessed to have that for a short time today. A few minutes to share with my soul mate and hear him speak some things to me I needed to hear. I know when Nick is realizing what is happening because he will cry, the fog seems to lift away from him for a very brief time and I seize those moments to try and communicate what is on my heart and try and find out what is on his. I will sit for hours just to have a few moments of that special time with him.

After speaking with the social worker today, she advised me that the team at Hospice met yesterday and they feel like Nick should stay there for now. It is difficult for me to surrender to that, but I know deep in my heart it is what is best for the time being. His pain never goes away and on a pain scale from 1-10, he usually stays between 5-8. I noticed even when I just touched his shoulder today he grimaced from pain. He is still eating, but my man likes to eat, so he may not lose his appetite. Like I have said before it is the inner battle taking place.

Specific prayers would be continued clarity on everything. For more "God" moments with Nick, those special times that I can encourage him about eternity with his Heavenly Father, continued strength for our family to be able to endure what lies ahead, and Nick to be pain free.

Grace and peace to you from him who is, and who was, and who is to come, and from the seven spirits before his throne, and from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth.

To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen.

“Look, he is coming with the clouds,"and “every eye will see him, even those who pierced him”; and all peoples on earth “will mourn because of him.” So shall it be! Amen.

“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.” Revelations 1:4-8

Joy, love and peace to the sweet brothers and sisters in Christ that bless us every day.

Surrounded by His Glory,

The Badidas

Monday, January 3, 2011

Update January 3rd, 2011 6:22 PM

I did a lot of praying, pondering and thinking last night. Just really searching and wanting to feel clarity and peace.

I really feel that God brought to my thoughts Nick's liver resection surgery in May 2009 and how he was on a high dose of morphine for several weeks, and never hallucinated and acted like he is now. A lot of you that know my man, know that it takes a LOT of medicine to even dull a pain in him. So.......

I collected my thoughts, prayed about them, and looked forward to seeing Nick this morning,to see how he was after being taken off the Haldol medication (for anxiety) and just staying on the morphine and adavant (for anxiety and pain).

I don't know how to put it except to say he was in a calmer state of confusion. It was different than yesterday, although still confused, not too much hallucinating, still easily agigtated, which I am told is very common. He seems to have become very sensitive to sound. So do I think I made the right call about the Haldol?...yes, but I also realized that the morphine is his only source of relief. Even when he slept his face would grimace from pain.

It is one of the promises he asked me to make to him that when this time came I would help him be as pain free as possible. I tell you all of this to say I do feel that this disease is progressing rapidly in his body. Look how many tumors have grown already in this short amount of time. I know without a doubt my Heavenly Father is giving me clarity. The peace is overtaking the fear. I think, in only the way Nick can, he is telling me he is ok.

Even in the fogginess of his mind, lying in the bed as I was rubbing his head, he opens his eyes, and says "I was thinking today that I will be your guardian angel." The sweetest thing he has ever said to me.

My heart left there full of more love for this man than I could ever imagine.

They are increasing the morpine just a little because of the breakthrough pain Nick is having. Still holding off on visitors at this time, but will keep you posted as things change.

You all are loving and praying our family through the most difficult time in our life. May God pour out His blessings over you all.

He is our Fortress,

The Badidas

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Update Sunday January 2nd, 2010

When we arrived at Hospice this morning Nick was very confused, hallucinating, and agitated. The doctor wants to minimize any distractions that can cause these symptoms to further increase so hold off on visiting until further notice. Thank you for your understanding with this and as much as I know you want to see Nick. What is most important is whats best for Nick. He doesnt even remember who came yesterday. But we tell him.

As you can imagine this is freaking us out. We had a long discussion/debate with the Doctor. He seems confident that this is Nicks disease progressing and not so much the meds. IF this is the case then it is moving much faster than expected. I will be on my knees praying for guidance and peace for me and Aaron as we move forward.

The doctor agreed to hold back on one of the strong meds (not pain meds) for 24 hours to see if confusion & hallucinations will get better. I think he is doing that more to ease our mind. We shall see. I will keep you posted.

I would just ask to pray specifically for clarity & peace on any decisions moving forward.

Love and blessings always,

The Badidas