"The Role of Others" is a topic that is so dear to my heart. I thank God all the time for the many friends that He has placed in my path to walk along side me on my journey. Many have truly become like family and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I invite you to read my latest article at:
I wanted to share something with you that, I guess you could say, I wasn't really prepared for emotionally. Last Wednesday I was scheduled for my routine mammogram. I knew I needed to go, as I had missed last years, and I had already had to reschedule twice for this year. Having a mammogram had never been an issue before. I would go and wait patiently to get my results, which, praise the Lord, were always good. I am trusting in Him for the same this time.
So I was surprised when last Tuesday evening rolled around and I felt so much anxiety I could hardly sleep. As I began to get dressed the next morning I was physically shaking just thinking about having to go. I had not felt this kind of anxiety in a long time. I sent out a request to some prayer warriors to cover me in prayer. As I began to drive to my appointment I could not stop the tears. Why was I afraid? Why was this time different? I realized it had nothing to do with getting a mammogram, but more with the environment I was going to have to walk into and all of those feelings from last year came flooding back. It was like a wound that had almost healed was opening back up just enough to remind me of that pain and suffering.
My fear was taking over as I began to think about being a single parent now and the "what ifs?" As I arrived and parked, I sat in the car for a moment to pray and wipe my tears. I thought about the many people that do suffer from cancer as my husband did, that would week in and week out go for MRI's, CT scans and mammograms, people that have every reason to have that kind of anxiety and fear. As I checked in and sat down I began to feel a calmness. I knew prayers went up and God was there to comfort me and get me through.
Wouldn't you know it, all of that anxiety and there was a scheduling error! Yes, you read it right. It just wasn't the time for me to do it. So I will go back this Tuesday morning. Everything in the Lord's timing right? Things are already going much smoother in preparation for that appointment and I am feeling a lot calmer. I think it is safe to say my emotions are still very raw with certain things. I appreciate the advice I recently received from a friend who said " I am sure your emotions caught you off guard, I hope you are cutting yourself some slack, Rome wasn't built in a day." Somethings I definitely needed to be reminded of.
As I lay in bed that night I thought about the day and all the emotions I had gone through. I felt my heart had grown more tender than ever before and I was feeling overwhelming sympathy for what so many other's that are ill have to endure on a daily basis. I thank God for peeling yet another layer from me and helping me to better see others as He does.
This is another step on my journey to healing and learning to live.
You may be in the midst of the biggest battle you have ever had to face right now, and the thought of talking about certain things that tend to make us all uncomfortable is the last thing you want to deal with. Check out my latest article: "The Talk" forhelpful ways to communicate with your loved one about those difficult decisions.
A friend recently asked me how difficult it was to change my marital status to widow on
Facebook. Just a quick click of a button and I went from "we" to just "me." Those times can be painful, but they can also be stepping stones to healing.
No one ever thinks they will have to check that box on anything, but that is the season that I am in right now. I can either choose to embrace it and move on or deny it and stay right where I am at. Surprisingly, it comes up a lot. I recently received an invitation to an event and it asked me to RSVP for myself or myself, plus one. I will be honest...that was a tearful moment. Nick had always been my plus one. It definitely made think about the adjustments that I have made and will continue to have to make.
On paper it may say that I am widowed, but in my heart I am still married. I really have come to rely on my Heavenly Father for that boldness to step out on my own. He can and does give me that unshakable confidence to move forward. God is amazing about placing people in my life that encourage me through each trying time, and many tears. Sometimes, though, I feel like He wants me to go at things alone so He can continue to transform me into the woman that He knows I am capable of being. It is amazing the strength that you can and will gain when you have to take those big steps in life by yourself.
It feels very strange to me to be referred to or labeled as a widow. I am still Mrs. Badida, a mother, a sister, a friend, and a Christ follower who is just learning to live and I am so thankful and humbled that God is always there to be my plus one.
I wanted to share something with you from a daily devotional I recently read and found so encouraging:
Living in dependence on Me is a glorious adventure. You begin to see each day with joyful expectation, watching to see what I will do.You keep your plans tentative, knowing that My plans are far superior. When you depend on Me continually, your whole perspective changes.--Jesus Calling Daily Devotional
Please check out this weeks article about the Quality vs. Quantity.
"Let me challenge you with this thought: When we knew our quantity of time was going to be limited together, we found out how important this quality time would need to be. Why does “quality of life” seem to have a new meaning to it when you are ill? It shouldn't."
This time next week Aaron will be back in school, as a senior! Wow, high school flew by! My prayer this summer was that Aaron would be able to relax and enjoy his time away from school. He had not been able to do that for quite sometime. He told me last week that it has been such a great summer! You can imagine that just made my heart so full to know my prayer was answered.
Someone asked me a few days ago how are we "really" doing? My response was "today is a good day." When you are healing emotionally it is a day-to-day walk. I would say we are finding our way pretty well, but there are triggers that can take you back to a certain place and time and spur a memory that can bring on the tears, and I don't think that will ever change.
I am realizing that the first year after you lose someone you love will be a year of many tearful " firsts." The first holiday, birthday, anniversary and even the first day of school for your children can be very emotional. I find that I often cry myself through those days but knowing that God always brings a fresh new day and a chance to begin again. I have also stopped worrying so much about the times I do grieve; in other words, I know that those times are to be expected, that they are very normal, and that they will pass.
Throughout this journey, I have always prayed for God to open doors to share and minister to others from my experiences over the past couple of years. I feel like I was blessed with one of those amazing opportunities this past weekend at the first luncheon and live taping for the National Pink Tie Organization.
Something like this organization is particularly close to my heart, because it's primary goal is to raise awareness, educate, and empower our community about cancer, especially among men. The organization is spearheaded by a man named Donald Crutch, who has an incredible vision and compassionate heart for people affected by cancer. He gave me the awesome opportunity to share about our family's journey from a caregiver's perspective. It is certainly a day I won't soon forget. I met so many people with a genuine love for God and for other people. We were all able to inspire each other through our diverse battles united by the common thread of cancer.
Nick used to always say, "Don't y'all forget me." Little did we know just 7 months down the road that Nick would be so prevalent in everything we do . It is an unexpected blessing that I am positive will hold true 7 years down the road (and well beyond!).
"Hope is the confident expectation that God has a plan for your life." - Pastor Stovall Weems
If that is the case, I am full of hope, and I pray you all are too!
I hope you will read my latest article about Palliative care and share it with someone that may be in need of it and doesn't realize it is out there and available for them. It was a great blessing to our family.
Every week through your emails, posts, comments etc... I receive such conformation that I am doing what God has set before me to do. Sometimes it comes from the most unlikely of sources, something will be written or spoken and it humbles me to know that the words I share from my heart are helping another person in some way. Thank you so much sharing your journey with me.
It is a difficult subject to write and read about. Unfortunately, it is very real and touches the lives of so many around us. With each article that is posted I get responses from readers that I know and don't know and how they are able to relate to something I am writing about, that it helps them to know they are not alone during this trying time in their own lives.
We are never alone in our journeys, especially the difficult ones. I pray for us all to have what I call the three F's of walking through the fire....Faith, Family and Friends!
Thank you for your continued support and have a great day!