Tuesday, April 19, 2011

April 19th, 2011

I woke up yesterday morning just not feeling myself and that was strange to me as the last three weeks have felt like the start of real healing and renewal for us both physically and emotionally. I found it hard to feel as motivated as I had been. I realized I was feeling that sadness that sneaks up you and grips your heart. Something had prompted a memory of last Easter in my mind. A picture of me and Nick on Easter day it was the last time I remember him looking so healthy and being so happy.

Memories are a weird thing. At the time we took that picture we were so happy and although I am grateful to have that memory it is a painful reminder of things especially how much Nick is missed, but am I thankful for that moment in time? You better believe I am!! People tell you holidays are the toughest when you lose someone....they are right. I wanted to share with you because I think it is important to build as many happy memories as you can. It is all the simple things we already know, like don't sweat the small stuff, cherish every moment, be joyful the list goes on and on.... That one picture shows me how precious life really is, it was taken just one year ago on Easter. One year and look how much our life has changed.

I also realized that the physical toll that this has taken on me is far from over as fatique seems to creep up on me when I am not looking!! It will take some time to completely feel like ME again, and I am trusting my Heavenly Father for an even better me! It is an amazing thing that God is a restorer of so many things and that He has already begun to re-build things in my life and in ways I could never even imagine.

As Easter's come and go now they will be different for us in the sense we will be missing Nick, but the real meaning of Easter should never change and that is Jesus Christ's victory over death and that His resurrection symbolizes the eternal life that is granted to all who believe in Him.

Have a blessed and happy Easter.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

April 10th, 2011

Have you ever seen that commercial where people talk about having an "AH-HA" moment? Well, I feel like I have been having some of those lately. In is incredible to watch how God is changing the path of many things in my life and when I see it happening I am like ah-ha I get it Lord!

There is joy in our hearts again, real joy. There is a whole life yet to experience and God wants us to do just that and I know Nick would too. The grieving process changes as you continue forward finding the new way. You will always miss the sweet one you have lost, you will always feel those moments of sadness, it never leaves you, but it becomes different. Praise God for healing and renewal of our hearts and our minds!!!

I guess I am kind of at the point of.... is it time to start putting some things
(Nick's clothes, personal things) up? I think I am getting close to it. Nick did make me promise to keep a few of his favorite t-shirts to sleep in. I smile just thinking about him saying that and how incredibly sweet it is. Everything has a memory attached to it and that is very painful at times to see it all day after day.

I will say I do feel some guilt with packing up things. Although, I know they are just that "things" I cannot help but feel like I am packing away the last 19 years. Then I think those memories are MY memories,they are forever etched in my heart and packing his things away will not change that (ah-ha). I feel like it is another step in the healing process.

I will know when that time is just right. I continue to trust in the Lord to take me through this one day at time. Everything I think that I need to understand...I don't. He will equip me and get me through my days victoriously.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

God's command for me (and you) is to be joyous and free.....and I don't want to let Him down.

Gone but NEVER forgotten....Nicholas Paul Badida.

Sweet Blessings Always,