Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The MOST special day/March 29th, 2011

Tuesday March 29th, 2011 was a very special day for a couple of reasons. First one being it would have been my Mother's 67th birthday. She is dearly missed everyday. Secondly, we(the kids and I)choose to spread Nick's ashes yesterday.

Nick requested that his ashes be spread over the water. He did not give us a specific place, so I waited until the perfect place came to mind and it did. When Nick and I were dating and even after we were married we used to go to Memorial Park in Riverside and walk along the river for hours. Nick even surprised me with a picnic a time or two(he was such a romantic!). I thought it would be extra special to do this on my Mom's birthday. I know Nick and my Mom would have loved that.

So it was planned at sunset yesterday (even though there wasn't any sun)Me, Aaron and Erika would find the perfect spot along the riverbank and celebrate this wonderful man that we so desperately miss. I brought with us three white balloons to represent the three of us and a blue balloon for Nick and three red roses as a sign of our love for Nick.

We found the most perfect spot. The ashes we were spread and as we watched them dissolve into the current we pick the petals from our roses, and watched them follow behind, it was like they stayed in a single line one petal after the next. The sweetest part to me was letting the balloons go. That blue balloon went straight up, flying quickly, as the others followed behind they never seperated. It seemed like we stood there for a very long time just watching those balloons, especially the blue one, until we could no longer see them. Can I just say it felt like we were the only three people on earth at that moment, not one distraction, so peaceful and so joyful.

Afterwards we enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, telling stories, laughing and just soaking it all in. There were moments I would think Nick has to be smiling so big right now! On our way home we passed by the Cummer Art Museum, another place Nick and I enjoyed visiting frequently and wouldn't you know it Tuesday is family night, free to the public from 6-8pm. It was meant to be! We walked the gardens there that are simply breath taking, looked at some art and just enjoyed every minute together.It was perfect! I can honestly say it was the first time in a very long time that the laughter felt real, and the load felt a little lighter (even if it was only for a short time). I felt like we had done exactly what Nick would have wanted.

It is nice to know we have a place to go on those special occasions or just whenever we want too and spend time laughing,crying, or just to sit quietly and think about all the good times.

Praise, praise, praise to the ONE who brings us peace in the storm, light in the darkness, laughter through the tears, and healing through the grief.



Sunday, March 27, 2011

March 27th, 2011

Spring is here!! I think it makes us all feel better to have a little sun shining down on us. This week is spring break for most of our kids. Aaron needed this break really bad. I do not think he has taken a breath since returning back to school right after Nick's memorial. He just needs some plain old rest and down time. We are planning a few small things , but we do not want to be on any schedules. The all day crying days seem to be coming a little less frequent. God provides us with the everyday comfort even through the grief. Someone told me that hardest part is trying to find your "new normal" Amen to that!! I always pray for God to lead me down the right path....I just have to be willing to take those first steps and trust Him. Going back to Church last week was a big step, but so worth it. I wasn't sure how I would feel going back without Nick. I give my sweet Lord so much praise for filling me with His strength that morning. Just seeing those familiar faces that I haven't seen in so long, and getting a lot of hugs was soooo good! The physical part of the last year has caught up with me as well. It is a wake up call from the Lord to start taking care of myself now, eating right, exercising, and rest. We should not take our physical health for granted we need to take care of our bodies. I am also picking up some old routines of things that I used to enjoy. All baby steps, but all in the right direction. Staying in God's word is essential for my everyday comfort.Relying and trusting in God fully in the midst of all the uncertainty helps me feel safe, taken care of, and not so lonely. It is time to put on my big girl pants and know that God will help me find that new normal in my life I just need to listen, let go(surrender) and let Him guide me down that path to peace and happiness. You know that everyday, I think of my sweet man. So many reminders especially with Aaron but I am thankful for that. So many of you sharing stories and thoughts with me about your times with Nick and I appreciate that, makes me smile! Love you all and pray your lives are filled with God's blessings. How GREAT is His LOVE for us!! In His Name, Tammy

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Wednesday March 16th, 2011

Philippians 4:8

And now, dear brothers and sisters,one final thing.Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about the things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

It is so easy not to think about any of the things in that verse when you are grieving. It is a very sensitive time because you become, what Nick used to call HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired).
I am not hungry in the physical way, but I do hunger for things in the spiritual sense. I would say I have reached the angry stage in some ways, which is progress on the grieving scale. I don't have to tell you the loneliness my heart feels from missing my sweet man, and tired well that is a given these days. I would say I do not feel all of things at once,but I do experience them separately and just one of these things can steal your peace and joy if you let it. Honestly, there are days I have succumb to one or more of them and it is not pretty!

This is a painful process. I want to grieve openly and honestly with you, which is something I am not used to doing. I usually allow a little pride to get in the way and put up the walls and only allow my friends & family to see the strong side of me, but then how would you see God work in my life to bring me through to the other side of this grief if I continue to do that? And when I think about the things that are excellent and worthy of praise I think about my Heavenly Father and how He continues to comfort me and gives me hope for a new life.

When I stay focused on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely & admirable, there is no greater joy and peace I feel. Staying focused is the challenge you always have to be on guard because the enemy is looking for a way in, a moment when you are HALT......that's why scripture is so important in our daily lives. When we fill those vacant holes up with His word there is no room for any of the enemies junk! Reading the word is like getting a little spiritual refreshment everyday.

Please continue to pray for our family as we get through this grieving process and we WILL get through it I know. One of the Beth Moore Bible studies I did a while back...I think it was Daniel.....she said something like this "God can bring you through a fire and you won"t even smell like smoke." Amen!

Thank you for sticking around and being on this part of the journey with us and for letting me speak openly and honestly about my feelings and emotions. I pray you see God's hand in every blog that I write.

In His name,


Friday, March 11, 2011

March 11th, 2011

I guess as the fog begins to lift and the dust begins to settle the grieving process really begins. I do think that Aaron and I began grieving way long before January 29th. But now the emptiness and loneliness starts to set in. It kind of creeps up on you when you least expect it to.

I am certainly no stranger to the grieving process having just gone through it with my mother back in March 2009, but losing a spouse, a soul mate of 19 years is different,way more painful. When your heart begins to realize the finality of your loved one being gone the emotional pain washes over you like a flood. You never really know when or how the tears will come and they can last for minutes or sometimes last all day. Either way it is OK to just let them flow. I feel like I have been so strong for so long, and I am very thankful for the strength God has given me to endure.

I signed into the blog a few days ago to write a closing letter, but couldn't do it. I realized just as my Father has brought me through the suffering of Nick's illness, He will also bring me through the suffering of the grief and I should glorify Him in that just as I did before. Grief can paralyze you, it can put you in a very dark, isolated place making and that made me realize I need God's presence in my life more than ever. I thought I clung to Him tightly before but I think I may leave my finger nail marks this time! And I think He is totally ok with that, in fact I believe He expects no less from me.

I pray that over the next few months the transition from grieving to receiving all the joy and peace God wants for me will begin to unfold and take life and you will be able to see our Heavenly Father glorified through that process just as much. I follow no guideline to the way I read the Bible, (unless I am doing a Bible study) but as a sweet friend reminded me.... just open your Bible and start reading , let His words fill you with life. I do not care what you say, reading your Bible daily is a discipline, well at least for me it is and I don't know why. I do know that every time I begin to read God's word and apply it to my daily life, it always brings me peace. ALWAYS!

I am sure many of you reading this have been through some sort of grieving in your lifetime or maybe you still are. We are not always grieving a death, it can be the loss of a friendship, an estranged family member, divorce, finances etc... I know that through God's mercy and grace we can begin to heal from whatever it is and come to know the freedom that only our Sovereign Lord can give us.

This verse is piercing my heart this morning: "I have told you these things, so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
---Jesus (John 16:33)

It is all about HIM!

Find your joy in Him and through Him today.


Sunday, March 6, 2011

Updates on Us/ March 6th, 2011

Dear Friends & Family,

I have to say I have missed writing to you. I thought I had come to the end of this journey and in many ways I did. What I am just starting to realize is that a new journey is just beginning.

I feel a little of the fogginess is starting to lift. I have a better understanding of the phrase " a deer in headlights" That's kind of what is going on right now, a feeling of wondering around with that glazed look in my eyes, not knowing what to really do. If not the wife and care taker of Nick Badida , then who am and what do I do next? What is my purpose now?

I want to be honest with you and say I feel like it was a lot easier to be/stay in that "spiritual" bubble during the midst of a storm. To seek the Lord and cling to Him every minute of every day became the only way to survive and even though that storm may have passed, there will be others and I always want to be prepared.

I don't want to focus on what has been lost, but ALL that has been found, renewed and will be restored.

I do miss what had become my normal, God's word, Church, Bible studies etc.... I do believe the Lord has given me the gift of a "season of rest" and believe me I am honoring that, but I do look forward to getting back to those things that feed my soul, build me up and help me stay focused on the Heavenly things and being an example for Christ to simply put it I want to follow Him and then I know all else will fall into place.

Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. Matthew 6:33

There is nothing random about what has happened or will happen in our lives. We will all be tested, and each time we are tested and each time we stand strong in His grace, we grow, and Christ strengthens us.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

God is my normal!! Although so much has changed from losing my loved one, nothing has changed about the way my Heavenly Father protects, comforts and loves me. NOTHING can ever change that. Amen! So who am I? I would say that I am a proud, humbled, courageous follower of Jesus Christ!

Love and blessings to all my sweet family and friends! Your continued love and support makes my heart overflow with tears of joy.

In the Sweet Name of Jesus,