Friday, January 14, 2011

Update Friday, January 14th, 2011

I do not even know where to begin. Today has been an emotional rollarcoaster. When I first arrived this morning Nick did not reconize me, heartbreaking does not even describe how that made me feel, even after being here a bit, he still did not know who I was. During that time he was talking about his Mom a lot. He would say he saw his mom, talk to his mom, things like that. All of a sudden he began to cry as he realized his Mom had passed away many years ago. He seemed to be literally grieving, then he looked at me and grabbed my hand and I knew he reconized me again.

A couple of nurses came in and by this time we are both crying, they explained this is very normal and that Nick is in a restless transition to passing on, you always think you are prepared, but those words were very painful to here.

We rubbed his head, just trying to calm him through the distress. After he calmed a bit, the nurse said I could lie next to him and I said it would be easier if the brace were off, they consulted with the Doctor and decided it was ok. So came the light in the darkness. They removed his brace!!! I felt the weight lifted off and I didnt even have to wear it. Nick made a sigh of relief sound. I did lay beside him for a while, but even just the pressure of me touching his shoulder was painful, and that is the left shoulder, so both are hurting now. Doctor continuing to increase the pain meds a little each day. Still no eating, no drinking.

I see the changes happening before me, but it is hard to grasp. I feel like Nick is in a spiritual realm right now, with times of real peace and comfort. I am grateful for those times. I do feel over the next several days when they increase the medicene (as needed) he will begin to lose conscienceness little by little and that is a painful reality for me.

Nick also kept saying this morning that he was going home. He would say "when I am going home?"
There will come a moment where I will have to do the most selfless thing I have ever done and tell him it is ok to go home now. Go dance for Jesus.

It is ONLY through the strength of our Soverign Lord that I am able to type this blog to you all today, trust that Nick will suffer no more, and hope that our Heavenly Father is glorified through it all.

Love and blessings to you all from hospice room 504. A room filled with the peace and love of our Lord and Saviour.

The Badidas

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