Monday, January 3, 2011

Update January 3rd, 2011 6:22 PM

I did a lot of praying, pondering and thinking last night. Just really searching and wanting to feel clarity and peace.

I really feel that God brought to my thoughts Nick's liver resection surgery in May 2009 and how he was on a high dose of morphine for several weeks, and never hallucinated and acted like he is now. A lot of you that know my man, know that it takes a LOT of medicine to even dull a pain in him. So.......

I collected my thoughts, prayed about them, and looked forward to seeing Nick this morning,to see how he was after being taken off the Haldol medication (for anxiety) and just staying on the morphine and adavant (for anxiety and pain).

I don't know how to put it except to say he was in a calmer state of confusion. It was different than yesterday, although still confused, not too much hallucinating, still easily agigtated, which I am told is very common. He seems to have become very sensitive to sound. So do I think I made the right call about the Haldol?...yes, but I also realized that the morphine is his only source of relief. Even when he slept his face would grimace from pain.

It is one of the promises he asked me to make to him that when this time came I would help him be as pain free as possible. I tell you all of this to say I do feel that this disease is progressing rapidly in his body. Look how many tumors have grown already in this short amount of time. I know without a doubt my Heavenly Father is giving me clarity. The peace is overtaking the fear. I think, in only the way Nick can, he is telling me he is ok.

Even in the fogginess of his mind, lying in the bed as I was rubbing his head, he opens his eyes, and says "I was thinking today that I will be your guardian angel." The sweetest thing he has ever said to me.

My heart left there full of more love for this man than I could ever imagine.

They are increasing the morpine just a little because of the breakthrough pain Nick is having. Still holding off on visitors at this time, but will keep you posted as things change.

You all are loving and praying our family through the most difficult time in our life. May God pour out His blessings over you all.

He is our Fortress,

The Badidas


  1. Thanks for sharing. As I was reading your post, I felt an incredible sense of calmness in you. Only God can do that. I begin to humm to that old hymn " it is well with my soul". We are praying for you and your family.
    Love from The Robersons.

  2. Tammy, My heart aches for you. I can hear your strong faith in your words but I know this can't be easy. You are giving your very best to your God and to your husband. God's blessings to you.
    Brenda Faus