It is hard to wake up on this day and not have my heart long to celebrate what would have been my 21st wedding anniversary.
As the days continue to hurriedly brush by, I feel my heart continuing to mend from that which has been lost. But I believe the special days will always remain just that, special. These times are mine to keep deep in my heart, to share, laugh, cry and to reminisce about. I never realized how wonderfully sacred a memory could be until I lost someone I loved.
This may sound strange to some, but I have often thought, if only I were given a few short minutes to talk to Nick, what would I say?
If that day were today... I would tell him I love and miss him so much. I know without a doubt you are basking in Heavenly splendor, you are happy and praise God you are healthy. I would tell him that I appreciate and covet all the little nuggets of advice that he so lovingly and un-selfessly gave to me in an effort to make moving on just a little bit easier. With tears streaming I would share how some days are simply just still so hard without him, but those tears would quickly fade and a smile would emerge as I tenderly express the irrafutable joy I get when I look at our son and see the reflection of his father in his eyes.
I would tell him what a joyful privilege it has been for me to watch the bond between a brother and sister become stronger than ever, even after losing their Dad. I know how happy that would make him! And as proudly as I could say it, I would gush about what amazing young adults Aaron and Erika are and how much they miss their dad.
I certainly wouldn't miss the chance to share how much his friends miss him too, how often his name is mentioned, always with a fondness and never without a smile. The Nick-isms will live on forever!
Lastly, I would sweetly tell him what I think I miss the most is having his love present in my life everyday. Having my best friend there to share things with and feeling that warm comfort of having his arms wrapped around me, making me feel so safe and protected. These things seem the hardest to live without.
But I have learned now to seek those things in which my heart desires in the arms of my Heavenly Father. I know that whatever heartache and pain I may endure in this life God himself will alway be with me, to comfort, love and protect me. The key is keeping my eyes fixed upon Him. Always glorifying His name above all names and fully submitting my heart to Him.
Truthfully, I do not know if this kind of transformation would have taken place in my heart if I had not lost my husband. I would like to think so, but the reality is, it is through the pain and suffering that I have learned the greatest lessons of unconditional love and forgiveness along with completely surrendering everything to my King (maybe I still have some work to do in the surrendering everything area!).
It is the "special" days that seem to bring about the most reflecting in my heart. I am so thankful that the image I see is more transformed by His hands everyday.
Thank you for letting me share my heart. Through each word a little piece of it always heal.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. Psalm 18:2