By the time we had arrived at Hospice this morning they has already up'd Nicks Morphine dose to 10mg and 5mg in between as his pain was back. By the time we left this afternoon they up'd it once more to 15mg. The last dose seemed to ease the pain a bit for him, but as you can imagine he is so groggy, dosing on and off and a little confused.
We were able to speak with the doctor today. He said he had a long talk with Nick yesterday and that Nick had been really holding back on his deep pain level. He also said Nick spoke with him about his fear of paralysis. The doctor assured him and us that they will do everything they can to keep him comfortable. We were also told they may not be able to rid Nick of all of his pain. There is that fine line of enough meds to relieve pain and still be functional and enough meds but become non-functional. I'll be honest I am nervous about the path I see.
When you look at Nick, his outward appearance looks pretty good, but there is a warfare on the inside of his body. Because his cancer is more muscular-skeletal (bone) we may not see a lot of outward change. I am wanting to prepare you all in the way we understand things.
The Hospice Doctor requested a visitation restriction be posted on Nick's door. Maximum 2 visitors in the room at a time, with a 5-10 min visit time,(unless Nick is up for longer, that was my request,not the docs). The doctor advise Nick today, if he continues to increase the meds it will become harder for Nick to stay awake and make his own decisions. His exact words were he could possibly sleep 1-2 days at a time. This whole process is just so painful watch and listen to.
But when Nick was asked who would be making the decisions if he could not, he pointed at me (Please be in prayer over that I will have complete peace if I have to make any decisions).
On a brighter note, We did have several visitors stop in today for short, but very sweet visits. A sweet sister in Christ brought me a "peace, love & care" package....truly blessed me! Those moments of sharing in prayer, laughter and hugs are priceless to us.
As this year will be winding up in a few hours, I look back with gratefulness at the transformation that has taken place in me and my life. Without the suffering would I have grown so close to my Heavenly Father? He has become my anchor, my refuge, my everything. Facing the most difficult time in my life, I know without a doubt He will carry me through.
I pray you all experience the love of Jesus like never before in 2011 and that He will pour out His blessings and favor over you like never before.
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19
Happy New Year,