January 19th, 2012

I wonder if sometimes God allows us to see these sufferings in preparation for letting go when that time comes and hope of easing the pain a bit (from a Jan. 19th, 2011 blog). I think back to those fleeting moments as we sat in hospice last January and just how special they truly were. The peacefulness in the room, the precious time spent with the kids and really feeling God's hand on every single moment. The calm days where you could hear nothing but the wind chimes outside the window and the worship music playing softly on the radio. I can remember being oblivious to the outside world. For that moment in time my world was inside that room. 


It is hard to fathom that it has been almost a year without Nick here. The kids and I have survived so much, holidays, birthdays, and anniversary's. The Lord has brought joy in the midst of days that I thought would be impossible to get through and we are so grateful. But for some reason the thought of coming up on a year without this man who was such an incredible husband and devoted father is probably the hardest thing to face yet. It may sound strange, but it just feels like such finality. Part of me longs to reach and pass that one year date, while part of me struggles with the sadness and heartache of how that day changed our lives forever and how we lost a big piece of our heart. 


As I reflect back I know we have come a long way with healing through our grief, and although we may not grieve as much, the times that we do are always like a wound being re-opened. Through it all I know God is restoring things in our lives. I can see it and my heart feels it. We are making new memories, creating new traditions, but at the same time remembering Nick in all that we do. That day, January 29th will come, the day I last said goodbye and gently kissed my man on his forehead, watching as he peacefully slipped away to meet his Heavenly Father and experience an eternal life that is far greater than anything we could ever imagine.....and that my sweet family and friends is what gives me the divine peace and comfort to endure it all. Amen! 


Much love and many blessings, 


Tammy