Still Learning To Live

 I really don't know where to begin. It has been way too long since I have written. I am so blessed by the consistent friends and followers of this blog asking for an update on our family. Thank you!

 To say that the last 6 months have been a whirlwind is probably a bit of an understatement.  Let me begin with the part-time job I started in April. I really wasn't prepared for what this job would do for me. It slowly helped me regain much of the confidence I had unknowingly lost. Day by day, I began to breathe again in a way I haven't in a very long time.  I realized I was much more capable than I had given myself credit for. I was being mentally productive and using a part of my brain that I believe had gotten a few cobwebs on it! 

Next, we began the process of packing up the house! Moving on from things that were once such a big part of your life can be a very difficult thing to do. Each room holds a special memory of what once was. Honestly, the day I came home without Nick the house just became geography. It was a place where Aaron and I could rest and retreat when we needed to, but not much else. It feels like the final chapter is closing on that part of my life. Very bittersweet, but it is time.

The great thing was that the timing could not have been more perfect to start packing up, because Aaron moved into his own apartment in August with his friend, Ian. He has taken all that life has thrown at him, which has been a lot for a 19 year-old, and it has built such great character, integrity and compassion in him. He had a wonderful summer paid internship at Wells Fargo in Community Relations, and now he is currently working temporarily for the United Way of Northeast Florida. He is working on getting his BA in English with a minor in Business at UNF and a slew of other things! I cannot keep up with it all! I could not be more proud of him.

Okay! Let's talk about dating! Yes, I have experienced my first "real" relationship. It took a while, but Nick gave me the sweet gift of saying I need to move in this area...in fact, he made me promise. I know... what a selfless man, right? I think I could start a whole new blog on the dating scene after 40-something! I pray for God's wisdom and guidance in each and every step of this journey. It is certainly not an easy adjustment but one that seems very natural at this point and time. I have a hard time not comparing to what once was, but I have to believe that God will put me where and with who I should be with. 

On a much different note, some may know that I have had a fear of airplanes for quite a while because of claustrophobia issues. Not anymore... in the words of R. Kelly "I believe I can fly!" I have the traveling bug now and I am enjoying it immensely. I am so thankful to be set free from that issue that has weighed me down for quite some time. I did my first back-to-back solo flights several weeks ago, and on one of the flights I was blessed to be seated by a man who unfortunately had lost his wife three years ago to cancer. Needless to say, we had a great conversation and understanding of one another's life. I remember stepping off the plane, looking up and thanking God for that man. 

Other widows/widowers will often ask me, "Will it get easier?" Yes! It will get easier in many ways, but I think more than that, it just becomes different. I encourage you to let God mold and use you during your healing process. Let Him help you to become better, not bitter, and to grow and not become stagnant. The enemy will want to rob you of your joy in anyway possible, but God is ever-present and wants you to flourish, especially through the pain. HE is the one constant throughout all of this. Although, there are times when I feel I have drifted a little farther from Him that I would like too, I know He is never away from me. When I feel that lack of peace infiltrating from my soul, I know I need to be drawing closer, in his word, on my knees. I am ashamed to say I often times allow "life" to get in the way, but too much life can bring to much strife when you are not walking closely with your Heavenly Father. HE is the only real peace I have ever known or will ever know. 

I look forward to writing more in the near future. I deeply appreciate the encouragement from others to continue to do so. As I have said many times before this blog has been a huge source of healing for me in so many ways. I am thankful! 

Many Blessings!

Tammy 

A Season of Firsts

The holidays are in full swing! The continuious crowds, the sounds of Christmas music wherever you go, the ridiculous amounts of food...and calories! For many this could be a season of "firsts" some joyful ones and maybe some painful ones.

I want to share with you that after surviving a year of "firsts," I feel like I have the strength now to make it through these times and with a much lighter heart and more joy. Thank you Lord! If you are experiencing a season of "firsts," I want to encourage you to pray and cling tightly to the hand of your Heavenly Father. He will never abandon you. You are not alone and you will make it through! 

(Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart). 

Since then I have come to learn that even though I may have survived many "firsts," rebuilding a new life in any situation is still a challenge. A daily challenge! Some days I feel like that new kid at school, so scared and unsure, wondering if I will fit it, questioning where exactly I belong and doubting myself. These are all the things the enemy would like for me to feel and succumb to. Thankfully my heart is glued to a better foundation, one that is solid, strong, stable and gives me the blessed assurance that in Christ I can conquer each day instead of it conquering me. (Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me). God always reminds me, especially through the small things, that He is present and He is there to counteract whatever the enemy wants to throw at me.

I can close my eyes right now and see the faces of many friends that are facing a difficult season of "firsts," and my heart aches for those who will have to endure that journey. I pray you will open your hearts and let God carry you as you stumble through the brief darkness which will soon fade into a brilliant Light that will bring you great peace and much healing. (John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.)You are so loved.

In closing, I wanted to share a little something sweet that is on my heart. I am not sure if it is the season, or that Nick's birthday is coming up, but lately I have had many friends sharing with me how much he has been in their thoughts. I love hearing about the fond memories and funny stories that he left for us all to enjoy. I love knowing that he is always thought of. That brings me such joy. Something he always said to me was "Don't forget about me!" And I would say "Like we ever could, my love." So, thank you for sharing with me and blessing me with your memories of Nick. What a precious gift!

As aways I am thankful for this opportunity to share a little bit of my heart with you all. Thank you  reading this blog. I hope you can feel the love that my Heavenly Father has so graciously placed in my heart to share. 

Blessings,

Tammy 

The Simple Things

Yesterday was an absolutely perfect weather day! Great temperatures combined with the most calming breeze blowing across the ocean made it difficult to resist taking a nice, long walk on the beach. There is something so tranquil about the sound of the waves crashing on the shoreline. With each step I could feel the stress of the week rolling off of me.

I thought throughout that walk how grateful I felt for that time, to just breathe, spend some time talking with my son, laughing a bit, and basking in the warmth of the sunshine. I know it may seem so small, but friends, that's where I have been finding my joy and blessings lately....in the small stuff!

 In a world where many of our lives can become so chaotic, distracting and stressful, it is in the small things that the biggest blessings are often found. I am thankful for a heart that no longer seeks the grandiose and can recognize and appreciate God's tender and loving hands in the smallest of things.

I have a new appreciation for simplicity. Think about how peaceful it feels when your life is less complicated. Although those times may not present themselves as much as we would like them too, do we really slow down to appreciate them and the peaceful joy they bring when they do?

I started learning the lesson of finding the blessings in the small things during my husbands illness, especially in those last few months of his life. But truthfully, it wasn't until much later during my journey, and even more so now, that I really began to appreciate and recognize that it is those small things that seem to have enough power to pull me right up out of the pit. For me, having the opportunity to reflect back on a life with someone I loved and lost opened my eyes to what those small, simple things that really blessed me were and still are.

When we truly surrender and let God remove the blinders from our eyes and begin to peel away those layers that are weighing us down, our heart can begin to absorb all of His glorious blessings....big or small!

Challenge yourself this week to look for God's blessing in each day, and when you find them, praise Him!

"God doesn't just bless us to make us happy; He blesses us to make us a blessing."
-- Warren W. Wiersbe

Blessings Always,  

Tammy 

September 22nd, 2012

Something sparked a sweet memory in my mind a few days ago that keeps reoccurring in my thoughts. The memory took me back to a cold evening in January, 2011, when a group of amazing sisters in Christ piled into a quaint little chapel at the McGraw Hospice Center to pray for my husband and our family. It was truly a night that was full of love, fellowship, prayer and worship. It will forever be etched in my heart as I was so humbled by all that took place that evening.

 I cannot help but to think about that night and not be flooded with feelings of immense joy and peace. I began to remember that irrefutable feeling of peace that seemed to surround me during the most difficult time in my life, a peace that truly transcended all of my understanding. This is the peace I have come to pray for daily as I find my way on this journey of rebuilding my life.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ." Philippians 4:7

As I continued to reflect on that evening and all that my Heavenly Father had blessed me with, the one thing that was so unforgettable to me was how the body of Christ came together and fearlessly prayed. There is something so powerful when a group of believers join hands and begin to pray without hesitation, boldly approaching His throne of grace with everything they have and not being afraid to lay it all at the feet of Jesus...and leave it there!

Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16

Prayer helps us to release control over a situation, acknowledge God's sovereign strength over it, trust that He will take care of us, and it brings us peace. One of the lessons that Ruth Bell Graham taught was "Worship and worry cannot exist at the same time in the same heart. The are mutually exclusive." That is a lesson that I often have to be reminded of.

Prayer is not all about asking God for something, but also thanking Him for everything He has so graciously given to us. Giving thanks frees us from our worries and brings about that glorious peace that blankets us.

Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His court with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good;His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endure to all generations. Psalm 100:4-5

I want to share something that I recently read from a devotional called, "Good Morning, Lord": 

"Concerned about one of her children, Ruth was unable to sleep one night. Realizing the missing ingredient in her heart was thanksgiving, she began to thank God for this son, for his life, for the joy he had brought to their family. Her burden quickly was lifted and she was able to finally rest." Her prayers of thanksgiving brought her peace.

Reading that made me think of the many times I pray and only focus on the problem. I realized that I too, at times, have been missing that special ingredient of just thanking God for His mercy and truth in my life along with ALL other things I have to be so thankful for.

 It's really quite simple: prayers of thanksgiving equate to a peaceful heart!

What a blessing to be able to recall such precious memories of that night. I can close my eyes and go right back to that wonderful little chapel, see all those beautiful faces, listen to each prayer that was sweetly spoken. I can hear the music playing faintly in the background, proudly standing hand in hand with these amazing women knowing just for that moment I was experiencing a little taste of Heaven. Oh the peace that floods my soul!

A nugget of encouragement from Jesus: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27 

May you all come to know His peace. 

Blessings,

Tammy

January 19th, 2012

I wonder if sometimes God allows us to see these sufferings in preparation for letting go when that time comes and hope of easing the pain a bit (from a Jan. 19th, 2011 blog). I think back to those fleeting moments as we sat in hospice last January and just how special they truly were. The peacefulness in the room, the precious time spent with the kids and really feeling God's hand on every single moment. The calm days where you could hear nothing but the wind chimes outside the window and the worship music playing softly on the radio. I can remember being oblivious to the outside world. For that moment in time my world was inside that room. 


It is hard to fathom that it has been almost a year without Nick here. The kids and I have survived so much, holidays, birthdays, and anniversary's. The Lord has brought joy in the midst of days that I thought would be impossible to get through and we are so grateful. But for some reason the thought of coming up on a year without this man who was such an incredible husband and devoted father is probably the hardest thing to face yet. It may sound strange, but it just feels like such finality. Part of me longs to reach and pass that one year date, while part of me struggles with the sadness and heartache of how that day changed our lives forever and how we lost a big piece of our heart. 


As I reflect back I know we have come a long way with healing through our grief, and although we may not grieve as much, the times that we do are always like a wound being re-opened. Through it all I know God is restoring things in our lives. I can see it and my heart feels it. We are making new memories, creating new traditions, but at the same time remembering Nick in all that we do. That day, January 29th will come, the day I last said goodbye and gently kissed my man on his forehead, watching as he peacefully slipped away to meet his Heavenly Father and experience an eternal life that is far greater than anything we could ever imagine.....and that my sweet family and friends is what gives me the divine peace and comfort to endure it all. Amen! 


Much love and many blessings, 


Tammy 

December 12th, 2011

Happy holidays! It is about this time of year that the real hustle and bustle kicks in! I hope you all are pacing yourselves!

I have to say I was very touched and overwhelmed (in a good way) with all the feedback I received from my last blog about loneliness. I know I wrote on a subject that is very real and can be extremely painful. Please know I will pray for each of you that shared your very private struggles with me. You are indeed loved.

I was looking back at my December 2010 blogs and I noticed that I had only written one blog up until Christmas and then of course things changed very quickly after that. It was a blog that I posted on December 9th, 2010 regarding a visit to the Neurologist. It was a tough blog to write because of the news we received, but as I continued reading I realized the words I wrote then, are words that still hold true today, probably more than ever.

Here is a little nugget from that blog:

"We have to remain encouraged that in the eyes of the Lord, we are his beloved. Although, our flesh wants to question why, we do not want to open the door to any doubts of His plan for our lives. Honestly, that is very difficult right now. A devotion I read a while back said: Look to God for answers through His word, Bible study, and the counsel of mature Christians. We are humbled and grateful to know we have all of those resources available to us. I pray for the daily wisdom to use them." 

"This is a moment of darkness for us, but we will continue to cling to The Bright Morning Star, the One who gives light. Our prayer request for now would be for God's continued supernatural strength and peace to fill our hearts and homes during the holiday season, and to not let a moment go by that we do not appreciate and give thanks for."



Although my circumstances may be different now, my prayer request is still the same, God's continued strength and peace to fill our hearts and home during this holiday season, and to appreciate all God has given to us. 


I hope you will remain encouraged through this holiday season knowing that you are His beloved.  


Much love and many blessings always!


Tammy