Just Keep Trying

I start this blog with a heart that is overflowing with thankfulness for the answered prayer of a new job!

I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.-Psalm 69:30

Many of you know how long I have been tirelessly sending out resumes and receiving one rejection after the next. Finally, doors began to slightly open and interviews started taking place. Then a few days ago, that door swung open a bit more and I stepped through it. 

I wasn't sure which job was going to come through, as things narrowed down to a full-time, as well as a part-time opportunity, with two great organizations. I knew after various interviews I had done all that I could, and I was trusting God was going to do all that He could to put me where I needed to be. I cannot tell you the peace I have felt since accepting this position. Although, my heart's desire is to be employed full-time, this is the way I will need to start for now. The exciting and hopeful thing is there may be a potential for this to turn into a full time position. God knows, He sees all and I am relying on Him to provide.

There have been many confirmations and so many things falling into place with this (that's a whole other blog!) that I just know this is where I am supposed to be for now. I will say none of this has happened in my timing. The Lord is going to teach me patience one way or another! I started this process quite a while back and I have shed many tears and have gotten very discouraged along the way, but I never gave up looking. Through the tears, through the disappointment, through the rejections, I just kept trying.

I confess I had many conservations with God during this process, and honestly, some of them were not pretty. While I am confessing, I will tell you there were times I wanted to give up the search, lay in my bed, and just wallow in self pity. After all, I was tired and had grown extremely weary, but your many prayers kept me going, as well as a constant feeling that God would provide in His time. I just needed to continue to do the footwork. No one ever said it was going to be easy.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.- John 16:33

The many prayers and words of encouragement from my family and friends became invaluable to me during this long and tedious process. My Heavenly Father has always so graciously blessed me with wonderfully supportive, encouraging, and praying people, and I am so very thankful for each of every one of them! May God bless you all a hundred times over.

 This next phase on my journey of "Learning to Live" brings much excitement as well as a little anxiety. I am eager to dive right in, learn new things, further my education, meet new people and just really enjoy this wonderful opportunity that could lead to.... God knows what?......Well, He does and I can't wait to find out!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11

Thank you for celebrating with me in sharing some good news and for continuing to follow and support me on my road to healing. I humbly request that you please continue to pray for doors to open for me in this area.

Blessings Always,

Tammy

It's Okay Not To Be Okay

                     

"Sometimes when you can't breathe and your heart feels withered down and dry...God will send you someone that will breathe words of life into your soul. I never take for granted when God sends someone into my life with a word...His Word." 

I sent those words to an old friend several weeks ago after she reached out to me. This is a friend that I knew from high school and had not seen nor spoken too in quite sometime. She shared with me that every time she would drive by the Mayo Clinic she would pray for me and my family, and that to this very day, she still does. My heart melted as I was both thankful and blessed by her words.  

 As we continued catching up and sharing, my friend said something during our conversation that has really stuck in my mind. She shared how she always sees me as someone who has it all together. My heart sunk as she spoke those words, as I knew the real truth. I was far from having it all together, and if publicly I showed the bad days on the outside as often as I have them...would I still be a shining light for Christ? Would people still love me for me, in spite of the mess going on inside? I confess some days I put on that "denial" mask. After all, that is way better than having to deal with the huge hurdles on my path. Can anybody relate? 

I have learned over the years that you never know what someone is going through in their lives. Some people are very open and transparent about their trials, while others choose to tuck that pain away. Maybe it is an "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" kind of thing. I confess I often walk both sides of that fence, but it never fails that when I confide my brokenness with someone, I am usually filled with encouragement and love. That is not to say that some feelings and struggles are not private and personal, but it does help to lighten the load when you confide in someone you trust and they in return show you God's grace and love.  

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.         1 Thessalonians 5:11

I am most surprised to find out that when I let my guard down, so will those around me. Then the layers start to peel off and we see a softer side to one another. We can begin to relate on a deeper level, maybe even form a lifelong friendship. I know I have been immensely blessed to have that happen in my life on several occasions. It is a strange, but wonderful thing, how pain and suffering can bind two people together. 

By yourself you’re unprotected. With a friend you can face the worst.
Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.                    Ecclesiastes 4:12 (MSG)

So, to answer the first question: would I still be a shining light to Christ? Absolutely! Probably even a little more brightly, as others will hopefully see how God is using me and how He is helping me to mend and grow stronger through all my sorrow and pain. I pray that people will see HIS light in me brighter than ever, even when I cannot see it in myself. 

But then we ask, will people still love me for me, in spite of the mess going on inside? Of course they should! Now, I am not going say you won't lose a few folks here and there as you are on the path to healing, and friends, that's okay. Sometimes God does the weeding out for our own good, but there will be those who love you unconditionally and see you through the eyes of Jesus, who will love you past your faults, sorrows and pains. Those 

people are the body of Christ in it's purest form and are the sweetest of blessings.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galations 6:2 

You are a precious gem in the eyes of your Heavenly Father. Please know that what you may see as a mess others may see as a message of hope and strength. 

Blessings Always,

Tammy 

A Year of Seconds

Priceless Treasure

As I was organizing some things last week I came across this little gem. It was a card Nick had attached to a Christmas gift he had given me a few years ago. Can I tell you that I feel like I have won the lottery when I find these things! Seeing his handwriting, remembering that time, and for a brief second becoming enveloped in the indescribable joy of that memory, was wonderful, yet bittersweet.

 I have often heard others who have lost loved ones say how much harder the second year seemed to be than the first. I couldn't imagine that, but have since realized just how true that is. As January 29th  approaches, I can tell you that year two has proven to be very emotionally painful in ways that I was not prepared for. When I look back over that first year I see a person who was really just trying to keep her head above water and who was and is rather emotionally vulnerable.

I know without a doubt that God's strength has brought Aaron and me through many painful days. Yes, there has been joy sprinkled in between those days of sorrow, but His plan for our lives is far from being over and we still have much healing that needs to take place. One of the things that year two brought on was the awakening of many forgotten memories. The human mind has a way of being able to tuck away a lot of the memories that involved the pain and suffering, and it begins to remember the Nick before all of that, the Nick that was healthy and happy. Although they are good memories, they can be painful. The reality of "this is life now" has a way of really just taking your breath away at times.

Year two also leaves me wondering who I still am, what God's plan really is for me, and still coming to grips with not being a wife. I often find myself looking at someone's hand just to get a glimpse of that little circle of love and for that moment getting a lump in my throat as I still feel for mine. My thoughts will occasionally drift to what once was as I notice a couple walking hand in hand, or hearing others speak about their anniversaries, or special occasions with their spouses and think that used to be me.

I have to redirect my thought process on many days and remind myself how blessed I was to have shared life with Nick for as long as I did and to have been loved so deeply. Joy comes in different ways now, like seeing the mannerisms of their Dad that both Erika and Aaron mirror. One thing for sure is that Nick lives on through those kids! I have learned there is no timeline for grieving. As much as I may not want to feel the deep pain of this great loss, I cannot control it. With the power and strength of my Heavenly Father and the unconditional love and support of my amazing family and friends, I will survive this. In the process, I pray I continue to grow in the right direction.

These verses from James 1:2-4 have come to my mind and heart so often over this last year: "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Honestly, there are times I grow weary in finding the joy throughout the trials and I become tired of having my faith tested. But I know if I let ago of my faith, the one thing that has brought me through every trial I have ever faced, then I am rendered hopeless. 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:6-7.  I am wholeheartedly clinging to these words! 

I always think about Nick saying "I want you to be happy. Please promise me that you and the kids will find happiness when I am gone." It's funny I always thought I was his encourager, but as time goes on, and I remember all his sweet words of wisdom, I realize he was mine. I would say our year of seconds were still full of many firsts and even though we may not see things as clearly as we would like too we have moved forward, we are healing and our faith remains strong through the trials. 

Blessings,

Tammy 

A Heart Exchange

I was a woman of courage a few days ago! I decided to brave the crowds, search endlessly for that perfect parking spot and see for myself if there were really any great deals that I couldn't resist. Although I found a few here and there, what I kept noticing was the mass of amounts of people who seemed to be returning or exchanging gifts they had received.

As I stood in line to ring up what I considered to be my gem of a find, I could not help but overhear the lady in front of me telling the sales associate that she would like to exchange the beautiful watch she had received, but simply did not need, for a pair of small earrings, and to please put the remaining balance on a gift card that she could give to someone else.

She finished up and was smiling big as she walked away! I watched her take the earrings out of the bag and proudly put them on before she even left the store. I saw the watch sitting there that she had exchanged, and I knew the monetary value of it. I was in awe of that lady at that moment. I thought she had just made a great exchange! And it had nothing to do with the gift! She seemed more than happy to give up that big, flashy, expensive watch for a small, simple pair of earrings and a gift card that she could pay forward. She was content!

I couldn't stop thinking about that woman and her willingness to exchange the big for the small...or what the world would view as such. I thought about what would I be willing to exchange or replace to have that contentment and peace that I saw her walk away with. Maybe it wasn't a material item that I would need to exchange, but instead an exchange in my heart. 

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way.--Psalm 139:23-24

When is the last time you got down on your knees and ask God to help you examine your heart and maybe do a little exchanging to get rid of that heaviness that is weighing you down? What would set you free and bring you that peace and contentment? Perhaps bitterness for forgiveness, anger for gladness, hate for love, acceptance for judgement, or sorrow for joy. Whatever it is, ask your Heavenly Father to help you let it go, to help you make that exchange.

Create in me a clean heart, O God.Renew a loyal spirit within me. Psalm 51:10 

As I continue to clean out or make exchanges in my own heart I feel so much more of God's love filling in the vacant spaces where pain used to live. A heart filled with God's love beats the strongest!

Start today by making one heart exchange. Ask God to help remove those things that take up the space where He longs to be. Free yourself from the bondage of whatever it is that keeps you from being happy, whole, and healed. He is waiting to take that burden from you right now. 

"A clean heart is a happy heart...." Mother Teresa

I pray God blesses you all beyond measure in the upcoming year. Thank you for your continued love, support and encouragement for me and my family. 

Blessings,

Tammy 

Repost: Someone Else's Shoes

Repost from 12-11-12

Several weeks ago I was on the hunt to find that perfect pair of shoes at a reasonable price for the holidays. After trying on several different pairs I thought I had finally found the perfect ones. I slipped them on, stood up, took a few steps and after wobbling a bit from the very high heel I looked at the associate and said "I can't even walk in these" she chuckled and proudly responded by saying "I could walk a mile in those shoes!" Of course she was twenty-something.

I thought as I left without any shoes that day how I really liked the way those shoes looked, but the fit just wasn't quite right and how there was something so comforting about slipping back into my shoes, no matter how worn or scuffed they may have been. They were my good ole sturdy stand by's that I had put many miles on. Those shoes had walked me through a lot of pain. They may not had been new and glamorous, but they were warm and familiar. They had walked me through hospitals, doctors offices, and even down the halls of Hospice to say good bye.

At times many of us may wonder what it would be like to walk in someone else's shoes, if only for a day. I think we have the capability of doing that to a degree when we walk along side of our brothers and sisters in Christ encouraging, praying and loving them through their pain. Romans 12:15 tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. There is no greater way to walk in someone else's shoes than to be able to understand and help them through their pain. At my age I don't meet many widows, but when I do there is a level that we immediately connect on. I know they get it! They understand that sorrow in my heart like no one else can.

Metaphorically speaking, when we walk in someone else's shoes it should always be to help them and never to judge them.  Don't waste the chance to help someone out of the pit by thinking you could do things better or different, but instead just embrace them and love them unconditionally. Jesus commands in John 13:34 "Love one another as I have loved you." Simply love them through their pain just as Christ does for you.

It is like God is preparing our hearts through the trials to be able to walk in any shoes and to see others just as He does. Sometimes our shoes can become too comfortable and we get so caught up in our problems causing us to miss that unique opportunity to reach out, befriend, and help someone else. Yes,  you can actually use your struggles and pain to help others and in that process heal yourself. Often you will hear people refer to life as a journey. Our shoes should be solid, stable, and have a thick enough sole to endure miles of what could be a very long and painful journey. That's the strength God provides us. He is our stability, the Healer of our hearts and soul, and He walks beside us every step of the way. 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2

So the next time you put on your favorite shoes, think about someone else--a friend, neighbor or family member-- that is struggling this season. Step out of those shoes and go walk with them in theirs. You may be just the person God has chosen to walk them right out of the darkness into His Light. 

Blessings Always,

Tammy 

A Season of Firsts

The holidays are in full swing! The continuious crowds, the sounds of Christmas music wherever you go, the ridiculous amounts of food...and calories! For many this could be a season of "firsts" some joyful ones and maybe some painful ones.

I want to share with you that after surviving a year of "firsts," I feel like I have the strength now to make it through these times and with a much lighter heart and more joy. Thank you Lord! If you are experiencing a season of "firsts," I want to encourage you to pray and cling tightly to the hand of your Heavenly Father. He will never abandon you. You are not alone and you will make it through! 

(Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart). 

Since then I have come to learn that even though I may have survived many "firsts," rebuilding a new life in any situation is still a challenge. A daily challenge! Some days I feel like that new kid at school, so scared and unsure, wondering if I will fit it, questioning where exactly I belong and doubting myself. These are all the things the enemy would like for me to feel and succumb to. Thankfully my heart is glued to a better foundation, one that is solid, strong, stable and gives me the blessed assurance that in Christ I can conquer each day instead of it conquering me. (Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me). God always reminds me, especially through the small things, that He is present and He is there to counteract whatever the enemy wants to throw at me.

I can close my eyes right now and see the faces of many friends that are facing a difficult season of "firsts," and my heart aches for those who will have to endure that journey. I pray you will open your hearts and let God carry you as you stumble through the brief darkness which will soon fade into a brilliant Light that will bring you great peace and much healing. (John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.)You are so loved.

In closing, I wanted to share a little something sweet that is on my heart. I am not sure if it is the season, or that Nick's birthday is coming up, but lately I have had many friends sharing with me how much he has been in their thoughts. I love hearing about the fond memories and funny stories that he left for us all to enjoy. I love knowing that he is always thought of. That brings me such joy. Something he always said to me was "Don't forget about me!" And I would say "Like we ever could, my love." So, thank you for sharing with me and blessing me with your memories of Nick. What a precious gift!

As aways I am thankful for this opportunity to share a little bit of my heart with you all. Thank you  reading this blog. I hope you can feel the love that my Heavenly Father has so graciously placed in my heart to share. 

Blessings,

Tammy 

The Simple Things

Yesterday was an absolutely perfect weather day! Great temperatures combined with the most calming breeze blowing across the ocean made it difficult to resist taking a nice, long walk on the beach. There is something so tranquil about the sound of the waves crashing on the shoreline. With each step I could feel the stress of the week rolling off of me.

I thought throughout that walk how grateful I felt for that time, to just breathe, spend some time talking with my son, laughing a bit, and basking in the warmth of the sunshine. I know it may seem so small, but friends, that's where I have been finding my joy and blessings lately....in the small stuff!

 In a world where many of our lives can become so chaotic, distracting and stressful, it is in the small things that the biggest blessings are often found. I am thankful for a heart that no longer seeks the grandiose and can recognize and appreciate God's tender and loving hands in the smallest of things.

I have a new appreciation for simplicity. Think about how peaceful it feels when your life is less complicated. Although those times may not present themselves as much as we would like them too, do we really slow down to appreciate them and the peaceful joy they bring when they do?

I started learning the lesson of finding the blessings in the small things during my husbands illness, especially in those last few months of his life. But truthfully, it wasn't until much later during my journey, and even more so now, that I really began to appreciate and recognize that it is those small things that seem to have enough power to pull me right up out of the pit. For me, having the opportunity to reflect back on a life with someone I loved and lost opened my eyes to what those small, simple things that really blessed me were and still are.

When we truly surrender and let God remove the blinders from our eyes and begin to peel away those layers that are weighing us down, our heart can begin to absorb all of His glorious blessings....big or small!

Challenge yourself this week to look for God's blessing in each day, and when you find them, praise Him!

"God doesn't just bless us to make us happy; He blesses us to make us a blessing."
-- Warren W. Wiersbe

Blessings Always,  

Tammy 

What Does Your Heart Yearn to Hear?

Change of a season can sometimes bring about a change of emotions. According to the calendar fall has officially begun, but for those who live where I live, you know the weather still dictates very warm and humid temperatures. But still, there is a slight, refreshing change in the air that is always welcomed.

This week was one of those weeks where my heart seemed to be reflecting a lot. Several days ago, I had managed to get a lot of work done outside and after finishing up my "chores" on that nice, warm, fall day, I sat down for a moment to put my feet in the pool water and cool down a bit. As I sat, I looked around at the back yard and remembered how pristine Nick always kept it. He took such pride in every little detail of making everything look perfectly manicured. Let me just say I do not have that same gift!

As I sat I began to wonder, "Would Nick be proud of me and how I am doing things?" I am not even talking about the yard, but the things that really matter. My eyes filled with tears as my heart was longing to hear him say "Honey, you are doing good, and I am so proud of you for learning to live again and for taking care of our boy."

There is something about someone telling you they are proud of you that brings about feelings of validation and encouragement. That's why we as parents relish in telling our children how proud we are of them.

Later that afternoon, I was catching up on some emails and come across one from a very dear friend of mine. I read through the sweet words she had written and when I got to the end, these are the words she had closed with "I am always so proud of you." She had not known of my feelings that day and how that was exactly what I was longing to hear! Those words brought nourishment to a heart that was hungry for encouragement.

I was so thankful for that email and those words. For me and my heart, that was a divine confirmation from my Heavenly Father saying yes, Nick was proud of me! But more importantly so was HE. It's funny that since I've started to write this blog post, I have had those very words spoken to me several more times. Coincidence? I think not! When our God wants to communicate with us He will, whether it be through His Holy Word or His people.

In our sermon this morning, Pastor Josh Turner spoke about listening for God. He said, "Often times God speaks in the quiet whispers rather than a dramatic voice."  That resonated with me, because it is in those quiet whispers where my heart overflows with the greatest peace, sweetest love and endless encouragement.

In the Bible, Psalms 46:10 tells us "Be still and know that I am God" Be still? Why is that so difficult to do? But friends, I have learned when I am most still and I give God my full attention are the times that I am able to bask in the full presence of His greatness. 

What is it your heart is yearning to hear God whisper? Take some time this week, be still, press in, and listen. You are His beloved.

Blessings,

Tammy 

September 22nd, 2012

Something sparked a sweet memory in my mind a few days ago that keeps reoccurring in my thoughts. The memory took me back to a cold evening in January, 2011, when a group of amazing sisters in Christ piled into a quaint little chapel at the McGraw Hospice Center to pray for my husband and our family. It was truly a night that was full of love, fellowship, prayer and worship. It will forever be etched in my heart as I was so humbled by all that took place that evening.

 I cannot help but to think about that night and not be flooded with feelings of immense joy and peace. I began to remember that irrefutable feeling of peace that seemed to surround me during the most difficult time in my life, a peace that truly transcended all of my understanding. This is the peace I have come to pray for daily as I find my way on this journey of rebuilding my life.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ." Philippians 4:7

As I continued to reflect on that evening and all that my Heavenly Father had blessed me with, the one thing that was so unforgettable to me was how the body of Christ came together and fearlessly prayed. There is something so powerful when a group of believers join hands and begin to pray without hesitation, boldly approaching His throne of grace with everything they have and not being afraid to lay it all at the feet of Jesus...and leave it there!

Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16

Prayer helps us to release control over a situation, acknowledge God's sovereign strength over it, trust that He will take care of us, and it brings us peace. One of the lessons that Ruth Bell Graham taught was "Worship and worry cannot exist at the same time in the same heart. The are mutually exclusive." That is a lesson that I often have to be reminded of.

Prayer is not all about asking God for something, but also thanking Him for everything He has so graciously given to us. Giving thanks frees us from our worries and brings about that glorious peace that blankets us.

Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His court with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good;His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endure to all generations. Psalm 100:4-5

I want to share something that I recently read from a devotional called, "Good Morning, Lord": 

"Concerned about one of her children, Ruth was unable to sleep one night. Realizing the missing ingredient in her heart was thanksgiving, she began to thank God for this son, for his life, for the joy he had brought to their family. Her burden quickly was lifted and she was able to finally rest." Her prayers of thanksgiving brought her peace.

Reading that made me think of the many times I pray and only focus on the problem. I realized that I too, at times, have been missing that special ingredient of just thanking God for His mercy and truth in my life along with ALL other things I have to be so thankful for.

 It's really quite simple: prayers of thanksgiving equate to a peaceful heart!

What a blessing to be able to recall such precious memories of that night. I can close my eyes and go right back to that wonderful little chapel, see all those beautiful faces, listen to each prayer that was sweetly spoken. I can hear the music playing faintly in the background, proudly standing hand in hand with these amazing women knowing just for that moment I was experiencing a little taste of Heaven. Oh the peace that floods my soul!

A nugget of encouragement from Jesus: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27 

May you all come to know His peace. 

Blessings,

Tammy

Aug 23th, 2012

I felt like it was time to clean out "the" closet...Nick's closet. I knew he wanted his clothes donated to a charity that would get good use of them. How did I know this? Because in true Nick style he made it known! I had contemplated doing this a while back, but I just wasn't quite ready. I have taken a few things down here and there around the house. I think I do it little by little, trying to fool myself into thinking I am not really changing or removing things that have to do with him.

I started off strong! With each folded shirt, a memory would come to my mind of Nick wearing it. This tall, handsome man looking so debanaire and smiling that contagious smile of his. Folding his ties, I would remember how many of them were Father's Day gifts from the kids. His favorite pair of jeans that I threatened to throw away on many occasions.The sweater vest phase! Just so many memories. It was kind of nice to reminisce a bit, think about the good times, and see his face so clearly. As I continued to pack things up I would often hear his laugh echoing in my head.

 I had packed it all up, labeled and placed by the front door, then I turned back to look at it all... I felt that lump in my throat and my eyes began to water up as I realized I had packed up a closet full of wonderful memories. It wasn't about the clothes, it was about the man that wore them. 

Sometimes my life tends to get a little out of whack. Whose doesn't, right? I cannot express to you how doing things like this will put things back into focus for me. As small as this may seem to some, it is huge to a widow who is striving to move forward and find her new place in a new life, even seventeen months later. It takes a lot of mental and emotional strength to tackle things like this. But, I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. (Phil 4:13) Amen!

After I folded and packed those clothes my heart begin to grieve over a perspective that I seemed to have lost. It is something I have known, yet I am ashamed to admit I still let it elude me from time to time.  That perspective is a constant awareness that this life is fleeting. We are not guaranteed our next breath. Every moment we have is a true gift from our King of Kings and we should be living accordingly.

But what makes that so hard to remember? Life is full of distractions, stresses and just stuff. That's why it is important to lead a God first life by thanking and praising Him continuously, especially during the storms. Seeking out and searching God's approval only, and not that of man. Finding your freedom in Christ is a priceless treasure and can bring you a peace and acceptance in yourself like nothing else can. But it is called a "daily walk" for a reason! Placing God above all else in your life is the most rewarding daily habit you can have and can help you to live your life to the fullest.

 "Live not one's life as though one had a thousand years, but live each day as the last." --Marcus Aurelius

 "So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12 

Thank you family and friends for continuing on this journey with me. Your support means so much to me and your encouragement is always a blessing. 

In His Name,

Tammy 

A Grateful Heart

  

God, if you love me why did you take my husband? God, if you are in control why is life so hard? Yes, I found myself crying out these exact words a few days ago.  You may have your own list of different questions at times, but the answer remains the same...Life is tough my friends, but God is always faithful! I have had people say to me, "How do you still have so much faith after all you have been through?" And I think, "how can I not?" I still have bad days, days I will question, but not due to lack of faith, but because I am simply feeling sad or discouraged. Having a bad day doesn't mean you have any less faith. 

Anyone who has suffered a great loss in their life knows what I am talking about when I say this: I lost a part of myself when my husband died. I discovered over the last year that I have struggled to try and regain that. But I have realized that a lot of what is gone, needed to be and that it's okay, because God wants to take what has been lost and restore it with something better, something more refined and polished. I am continuous work in progress!

I think my emotions are running high lately due partly to Aaron graduating and not having Nick here to experience this very important and joyous occasion. I confess, that over the last couple of months I found myself really focusing more on what and who I didn't have in my life, instead of all I have to be grateful for. I always try to encourage others to find that daily "nugget" or blessing that God has for them, yet I was failing to do that myself. The enemy had been robbing me of my joy and I didn't even know it.

God had a message for me! This past Sunday at church I heard a sermon about gratitude given by Pastor Steven Furtick. Before the message was even over the tears were flowing. I had such conviction about the lack of gratitude I had been giving to the things in my life. During the sermon Pastor Steven asked the congregation to take a deep breath in and then let it out....then he said, "Now, that was on credit!" That quickly brought back the memory of Jan 29th, 2011 and seeing my husband take his last breath. I was instantly reminded of how grateful I needed to be for my own health and the health and protection of my children. How could I not be grateful for the amazing friends that God had chosen to fill that void in my life with? How can I not be thankful when my Savior is working to repair what has been broken inside of me? Or when in the depths of my loneliness I am really never alone, because He is always there to comfort me. The list is really endless when you break it down daily. Don't we all really have so much to be thankful  and praise God for?

Psalm 100:4 Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and bless His name. 

I pray that my thoughts, my attitude, but most of all my heart will overflow with gratefulness at all that God has so graciously blessed me with. 

With a grateful heart,

Tammy

Eddie

My latest story on FACES is about someone who I have known for a while now, someone who started his own journey with cancer shortly after my husband started his. There is no doubt that the Lord crossed our paths and our lives would forever be changed because of it.

His name is Eddie and he was diagnosed with AML, Acute Myeloid Leukemia in August 2010, just three months after my husband's cancer had returned. AML is a fast-growing cancer of the blood and bone marrow, and is the most common type of acute leukemia. More than 11,900 new cases occur in the United States each year, mostly in older adults.

Eddie had started feeling really tired, but like most of us do he chalked it up to being very busy. After all, he had a very busy summer, which included a missions trip to Thailand. But when a mouth sore just would not heal, and at the urging of his wife, Kelley, he went to the doctor. After a series of tests, and a very frightening trip to the ER, which resulted in a hospital stay, the results were conclusive and confirmed that Eddie had AML.

As you can imagine and as with many that get this diagnosis, Eddie was shocked, in disbelief, and just felt sadness and fear. He says his wife shed a lot of tears those first few days.

As I write this I cannot help but to think about the many times we were all at Mayo hospital together, them on one floor, us on another. One time in particular, we by chance ran into Eddie and his precious wife in the lobby. I took one look at her face, and I saw that her eyes were filled with tears. We huddled in circle, holding hands, and began to pray for God's supernatural peace to flow throughout us right there in that Mayo lobby. It certainly did! I am not sure that I ever told that dear couple how thankful my husband and I were for that moment and that prayer time.

One question I always ask is: How do you feel like this has changed you? Eddie said "I think it has made me appreciate what's really important that much more...especially the time with my family." Eddie goes on to say how he felt like he had missed out on so much like his son's 3rd birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas because he had to spend so much time in the hospital, including one stay which concluded with 100 days in isolation after his bone marrow transplant.

Eddie also shared how it was one of the most powerful examples of answered prayers he had ever experienced firsthand. I wholeheartedly agree with Eddie! When you have walked hand and hand with the Lord in the valley of cancer you become transformed and you will experience the power of prayer in your life like never before. Not only is cancer a physical and emotional life changer...it is a spiritual one as well.

Both Eddie and Kelley shared how the wonderfully kind and gracious support from so many of their family, friends and church family was a constant reminder to them they were not alone and gave them so much strength.

I asked Eddie to explain if someone did not know you, what is the one thing you would want them to learn about you through this story? Eddie said that they had always believed the commonly quoted idea, "God never gives you more than you can handle." Interestingly, he looked, and this is actually not found anywhere in the Bible. What Eddie did find, however, was that God will never give you more than He can handle." Eddie shared how that gave them such great comfort. He went on to say that if we fall into the mindset of believing that it's about what "we" can handle, we start to think, "I must really be something special because God gave me such a big obstacle!" Eddie emphasized that it is ultimately not about us! It is about God and how He will see you through. He does not promise an easy ride or a happy ending, but He does promise to be there every step of the way.

I am more than happy to report that Eddie is now cancer free. Thanks to an anonymous donor through the BeTheMatch.org organization, a perfect 10/10 match was found, and he underwent a successful bone marrow transplant. In fact he recently celebrated his one year mark! Congratulations Eddie and family!

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for this family and the journey we shared with them. Though at times a very painful one, still one I know that God had so sweetly woven together. Each enduring our own level of suffering with our loved ones brought on by the sharp sword of cancer, but yet praying for and encouraging one another just as Christ would have it. I always believe if we look hard enough each day we will find a "nugget" that God has sent to us, big or small it is there! This family was definitely a "nugget" of joy on our journey.

I want to end with something Kelley shared with me. She said cancer brings much fear, and what is the opposite of fear? Peace. Perfect love. Security. Courage. God is the author of these beautiful things...and only God.

Carla

Today was one of those days where I woke up and I immediately had that feeling of the “blues”. It is just one of those things you cannot control, but before my feet even hit the floor I began to pray that the Lord would intercede and help me to feel His loving and peaceful arms wrapped around me, and to please guide and direct my steps today.

So, I  began my morning routine, except today the tears were flowing pretty steadily. I got dressed and left the house to run my errands. In the midst of the running around and wiping the tears I received a call from my friend and hair stylist (who was just released from the hospital a few days ago) asking me if I wanted to come in for a little touch up since I missed my appointment last week. Of course I said yes!

As I arrived and walked into the salon I saw a lady sitting under the dryer, flipping through a magazine. I didn’t really pay much attention to her at first, until I got seated in the chair across from her and then we began to talk. She spoke about how she used to love having blonde hair and would hope to have it again, once her hair had grown back in some more. That statement quickly grab my attention! I went on to speak with this lovely woman in depth about being diagnosed with breast cancer back in 2010.

Her name is Carla, and she is my first unplanned, impromptu F.A.C.E.S. story. After speaking with her and seeing how she exuded a joy that was so contagious, I could not wait to get home and write about some of what she shared with me.

From the moment Carla began to speak she had such a radiant smile on her face. She spoke about being diagnosed at the young age of 52. I asked her how she found out that she had breast cancer? She said she went for her routine mammogram ("Mammo-on-Wheels" she called it!). She was subsequently asked to do a ultrasound and a biopsy. She went on to say she got that dreaded phone call at work telling her that she had cancer. Her mother had also been diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 61 and made a full recovery, but a few years later lost her battle to stage four colon cancer. Carla was certainly no stranger to the world of cancer. She really didn’t talk a lot about the medical end of things, except about the chemotherapy that led to her hair loss, and that she underwent 34 radiation treatments while continuing to work!

Carla was more eager to share about the support and care she has received from her family, friends, and co-workers. She enjoys playing tennis and shared with me a wonderful story of how her tennis team attended an annual tennis tournament that she always looked forward to going to, but due to her chemotherapy could not go that year. Her tennis team made little fans with a picture of her face on them and would take pictures of the fans in different places at the tournament. Her team told her “we are bringing you with us!” They even managed to get a professional tennis player to take a picture with the fan and autograph it! You could tell this was a memory etched forever in Carla’s heart. Her face beamed with joy as she told it. Another sweet story she passionately shared involved her co-workers who all wore pink (even the men) on the day she returned back to work after her surgery. Carla said it was quite a sight!

I feel like it is moments like that, that help bridge the gap of loneliness and fear that cancer patients often suffer through. Carla shared how she would meet other breast cancer patients, some that would be really sick as the disease had progressed, and others that had made it through and were doing well. She said she used to think how grateful she was that she was not as sick as some and how much hope it would bring her being able to see the ones who had conquered and made it through. She shared how she viewed this experience as a chapter in her life and she kept turning the pages.

When I asked her in what way did she feel like cancer had changed her, she said “I just don’t sweat the small stuff anymore.” Laughing, she said she surely doesn’t complain about having a bad hair day! I about fell out of my chair when she said that...talk about a quick reality check! All of a sudden the gray hairs didn’t seem that important anymore. And in the biggest, brightest smile Carla said the thing with chemo is that you also lose all your facial hair so it was nice not to have to worry about plucking or waxing for a while! Her attitude simply amazed me.

As she finished getting all dolled up, we exchanged emails, I took a quick picture of her and I told her I was going to write about her. She had inspired me with her positive spirit, her glowing smile and her willingness to be so open and share with me in hopes of helping others through their cancer journey. We may have been complete strangers when I walked in, but we definitely sparked a friendship that was ignited by common bond of a cancer journey. I was indeed blessed!

On my drive home I was smiling thinking about meeting Carla and how the weight of the world didn’t feel quite as heavy as it had. I was so thankful that the Lord had used Carla to bring some light into the darkness of my day. It was funny, I thought: I had no hair appointment, no intentions of going to that salon today, but my Heavenly Father had other plans for me.

I am reminded how God is always there to guide and direct our steps every single day. We just have to be willing to follow.