A Year of Seconds

Priceless Treasure

As I was organizing some things last week I came across this little gem. It was a card Nick had attached to a Christmas gift he had given me a few years ago. Can I tell you that I feel like I have won the lottery when I find these things! Seeing his handwriting, remembering that time, and for a brief second becoming enveloped in the indescribable joy of that memory, was wonderful, yet bittersweet.

 I have often heard others who have lost loved ones say how much harder the second year seemed to be than the first. I couldn't imagine that, but have since realized just how true that is. As January 29th  approaches, I can tell you that year two has proven to be very emotionally painful in ways that I was not prepared for. When I look back over that first year I see a person who was really just trying to keep her head above water and who was and is rather emotionally vulnerable.

I know without a doubt that God's strength has brought Aaron and me through many painful days. Yes, there has been joy sprinkled in between those days of sorrow, but His plan for our lives is far from being over and we still have much healing that needs to take place. One of the things that year two brought on was the awakening of many forgotten memories. The human mind has a way of being able to tuck away a lot of the memories that involved the pain and suffering, and it begins to remember the Nick before all of that, the Nick that was healthy and happy. Although they are good memories, they can be painful. The reality of "this is life now" has a way of really just taking your breath away at times.

Year two also leaves me wondering who I still am, what God's plan really is for me, and still coming to grips with not being a wife. I often find myself looking at someone's hand just to get a glimpse of that little circle of love and for that moment getting a lump in my throat as I still feel for mine. My thoughts will occasionally drift to what once was as I notice a couple walking hand in hand, or hearing others speak about their anniversaries, or special occasions with their spouses and think that used to be me.

I have to redirect my thought process on many days and remind myself how blessed I was to have shared life with Nick for as long as I did and to have been loved so deeply. Joy comes in different ways now, like seeing the mannerisms of their Dad that both Erika and Aaron mirror. One thing for sure is that Nick lives on through those kids! I have learned there is no timeline for grieving. As much as I may not want to feel the deep pain of this great loss, I cannot control it. With the power and strength of my Heavenly Father and the unconditional love and support of my amazing family and friends, I will survive this. In the process, I pray I continue to grow in the right direction.

These verses from James 1:2-4 have come to my mind and heart so often over this last year: "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Honestly, there are times I grow weary in finding the joy throughout the trials and I become tired of having my faith tested. But I know if I let ago of my faith, the one thing that has brought me through every trial I have ever faced, then I am rendered hopeless. 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:6-7.  I am wholeheartedly clinging to these words! 

I always think about Nick saying "I want you to be happy. Please promise me that you and the kids will find happiness when I am gone." It's funny I always thought I was his encourager, but as time goes on, and I remember all his sweet words of wisdom, I realize he was mine. I would say our year of seconds were still full of many firsts and even though we may not see things as clearly as we would like too we have moved forward, we are healing and our faith remains strong through the trials. 

Blessings,

Tammy 

July 13th, 2012

It has been a while since I last felt lead to blog. Sometimes you just have to step back, give it a break and wait for your heart to lead you. I am always humbled by others checking on us when I haven't written in a while to make sure we are doing okay. Thank you!

 An update:

I am eagerly waiting on that next phase of my life to begin.I am trusting and believing that it will involve me being employed! I know God is working on my behalf and that He will answer my prayer in His perfect timing. I see things beginning to change in that area, and although I am somewhat anxious, I have to say I am also very excited at what the future has in store for me. It has been a long time since I felt like that. Starting over at 46 years old is no easy task! But I have to say I am ready and I thank the Lord for getting me to this point. I am always so blown away at God's impeccable timing with things. He always knows what I need and when I need it. Amen!

Aaron is doing great! He is still on course with his plan--God's plan, that is-- and since graduating I have seen him really start to relax and just enjoy this time before starting his busy schedule in August. It gives me such great joy to see him happy, content and pursuing the call that has been placed on his heart.

We recently spent July 4th celebrating with a tradition that we started with Nick probably 7 years ago. We go to Amelia Island, eat dinner with friends, and watch the fireworks on the beach. I think the sweetest part of that night was when Aaron and I were driving home, I started tearing up and said "I was really thinking about your Dad so much tonight" and Aaron said "So was I". I realized as time goes on those are some very sweet and sacred moments between me and my boy.

Although life is certainly not always easy, it has become manageable and for that I am so very grateful. I look forward to getting my next FACES story written and posted. Writing for me, whether it is my story or someone else's has been an immense blessing. This blog has become part of me and my life. I have laughed, cried, grieved, and grown through every post. But what I am most proud of is how my Heavenly Father has been present and glorified throughout.

Recently at church, a friend looked at me and said "God's not finished with you yet." Wow! Those words opened the flood gates of my heart. I needed to be reminded of that, I think we all do. Many times we feel like we have reached "the end" of something in our lives, losing a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, etc., and  those things do bring a certain kind of finality, but it is not the end for us. We still have life, a life that God wants to bless abundantly and use to glorify His name. This is your chance to pay forward to others the grace, mercy and love that has been extended to you during your time of need, a unique opportunity to have a real heart change, a chance at a new life, a life God has designed specifically for you! Amen!

In closing, I want to say I am so thankful for each and every reader of this blog. I am grateful for your encouragement over the last couple of years and for sticking with me on this journey. I am always so very humbled when anything that I write helps another human being in any way. The credit belongs solely to my Heavenly Father for without Him the paper would stay blank.

Much love and many blessings,

Tammy