A Year of Seconds

Priceless Treasure

As I was organizing some things last week I came across this little gem. It was a card Nick had attached to a Christmas gift he had given me a few years ago. Can I tell you that I feel like I have won the lottery when I find these things! Seeing his handwriting, remembering that time, and for a brief second becoming enveloped in the indescribable joy of that memory, was wonderful, yet bittersweet.

 I have often heard others who have lost loved ones say how much harder the second year seemed to be than the first. I couldn't imagine that, but have since realized just how true that is. As January 29th  approaches, I can tell you that year two has proven to be very emotionally painful in ways that I was not prepared for. When I look back over that first year I see a person who was really just trying to keep her head above water and who was and is rather emotionally vulnerable.

I know without a doubt that God's strength has brought Aaron and me through many painful days. Yes, there has been joy sprinkled in between those days of sorrow, but His plan for our lives is far from being over and we still have much healing that needs to take place. One of the things that year two brought on was the awakening of many forgotten memories. The human mind has a way of being able to tuck away a lot of the memories that involved the pain and suffering, and it begins to remember the Nick before all of that, the Nick that was healthy and happy. Although they are good memories, they can be painful. The reality of "this is life now" has a way of really just taking your breath away at times.

Year two also leaves me wondering who I still am, what God's plan really is for me, and still coming to grips with not being a wife. I often find myself looking at someone's hand just to get a glimpse of that little circle of love and for that moment getting a lump in my throat as I still feel for mine. My thoughts will occasionally drift to what once was as I notice a couple walking hand in hand, or hearing others speak about their anniversaries, or special occasions with their spouses and think that used to be me.

I have to redirect my thought process on many days and remind myself how blessed I was to have shared life with Nick for as long as I did and to have been loved so deeply. Joy comes in different ways now, like seeing the mannerisms of their Dad that both Erika and Aaron mirror. One thing for sure is that Nick lives on through those kids! I have learned there is no timeline for grieving. As much as I may not want to feel the deep pain of this great loss, I cannot control it. With the power and strength of my Heavenly Father and the unconditional love and support of my amazing family and friends, I will survive this. In the process, I pray I continue to grow in the right direction.

These verses from James 1:2-4 have come to my mind and heart so often over this last year: "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

Honestly, there are times I grow weary in finding the joy throughout the trials and I become tired of having my faith tested. But I know if I let ago of my faith, the one thing that has brought me through every trial I have ever faced, then I am rendered hopeless. 

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:6-7.  I am wholeheartedly clinging to these words! 

I always think about Nick saying "I want you to be happy. Please promise me that you and the kids will find happiness when I am gone." It's funny I always thought I was his encourager, but as time goes on, and I remember all his sweet words of wisdom, I realize he was mine. I would say our year of seconds were still full of many firsts and even though we may not see things as clearly as we would like too we have moved forward, we are healing and our faith remains strong through the trials. 

Blessings,

Tammy 

Eddie

My latest story on FACES is about someone who I have known for a while now, someone who started his own journey with cancer shortly after my husband started his. There is no doubt that the Lord crossed our paths and our lives would forever be changed because of it.

His name is Eddie and he was diagnosed with AML, Acute Myeloid Leukemia in August 2010, just three months after my husband's cancer had returned. AML is a fast-growing cancer of the blood and bone marrow, and is the most common type of acute leukemia. More than 11,900 new cases occur in the United States each year, mostly in older adults.

Eddie had started feeling really tired, but like most of us do he chalked it up to being very busy. After all, he had a very busy summer, which included a missions trip to Thailand. But when a mouth sore just would not heal, and at the urging of his wife, Kelley, he went to the doctor. After a series of tests, and a very frightening trip to the ER, which resulted in a hospital stay, the results were conclusive and confirmed that Eddie had AML.

As you can imagine and as with many that get this diagnosis, Eddie was shocked, in disbelief, and just felt sadness and fear. He says his wife shed a lot of tears those first few days.

As I write this I cannot help but to think about the many times we were all at Mayo hospital together, them on one floor, us on another. One time in particular, we by chance ran into Eddie and his precious wife in the lobby. I took one look at her face, and I saw that her eyes were filled with tears. We huddled in circle, holding hands, and began to pray for God's supernatural peace to flow throughout us right there in that Mayo lobby. It certainly did! I am not sure that I ever told that dear couple how thankful my husband and I were for that moment and that prayer time.

One question I always ask is: How do you feel like this has changed you? Eddie said "I think it has made me appreciate what's really important that much more...especially the time with my family." Eddie goes on to say how he felt like he had missed out on so much like his son's 3rd birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas because he had to spend so much time in the hospital, including one stay which concluded with 100 days in isolation after his bone marrow transplant.

Eddie also shared how it was one of the most powerful examples of answered prayers he had ever experienced firsthand. I wholeheartedly agree with Eddie! When you have walked hand and hand with the Lord in the valley of cancer you become transformed and you will experience the power of prayer in your life like never before. Not only is cancer a physical and emotional life changer...it is a spiritual one as well.

Both Eddie and Kelley shared how the wonderfully kind and gracious support from so many of their family, friends and church family was a constant reminder to them they were not alone and gave them so much strength.

I asked Eddie to explain if someone did not know you, what is the one thing you would want them to learn about you through this story? Eddie said that they had always believed the commonly quoted idea, "God never gives you more than you can handle." Interestingly, he looked, and this is actually not found anywhere in the Bible. What Eddie did find, however, was that God will never give you more than He can handle." Eddie shared how that gave them such great comfort. He went on to say that if we fall into the mindset of believing that it's about what "we" can handle, we start to think, "I must really be something special because God gave me such a big obstacle!" Eddie emphasized that it is ultimately not about us! It is about God and how He will see you through. He does not promise an easy ride or a happy ending, but He does promise to be there every step of the way.

I am more than happy to report that Eddie is now cancer free. Thanks to an anonymous donor through the BeTheMatch.org organization, a perfect 10/10 match was found, and he underwent a successful bone marrow transplant. In fact he recently celebrated his one year mark! Congratulations Eddie and family!

I cannot tell you how thankful I am for this family and the journey we shared with them. Though at times a very painful one, still one I know that God had so sweetly woven together. Each enduring our own level of suffering with our loved ones brought on by the sharp sword of cancer, but yet praying for and encouraging one another just as Christ would have it. I always believe if we look hard enough each day we will find a "nugget" that God has sent to us, big or small it is there! This family was definitely a "nugget" of joy on our journey.

I want to end with something Kelley shared with me. She said cancer brings much fear, and what is the opposite of fear? Peace. Perfect love. Security. Courage. God is the author of these beautiful things...and only God.

Carla

Today was one of those days where I woke up and I immediately had that feeling of the “blues”. It is just one of those things you cannot control, but before my feet even hit the floor I began to pray that the Lord would intercede and help me to feel His loving and peaceful arms wrapped around me, and to please guide and direct my steps today.

So, I  began my morning routine, except today the tears were flowing pretty steadily. I got dressed and left the house to run my errands. In the midst of the running around and wiping the tears I received a call from my friend and hair stylist (who was just released from the hospital a few days ago) asking me if I wanted to come in for a little touch up since I missed my appointment last week. Of course I said yes!

As I arrived and walked into the salon I saw a lady sitting under the dryer, flipping through a magazine. I didn’t really pay much attention to her at first, until I got seated in the chair across from her and then we began to talk. She spoke about how she used to love having blonde hair and would hope to have it again, once her hair had grown back in some more. That statement quickly grab my attention! I went on to speak with this lovely woman in depth about being diagnosed with breast cancer back in 2010.

Her name is Carla, and she is my first unplanned, impromptu F.A.C.E.S. story. After speaking with her and seeing how she exuded a joy that was so contagious, I could not wait to get home and write about some of what she shared with me.

From the moment Carla began to speak she had such a radiant smile on her face. She spoke about being diagnosed at the young age of 52. I asked her how she found out that she had breast cancer? She said she went for her routine mammogram ("Mammo-on-Wheels" she called it!). She was subsequently asked to do a ultrasound and a biopsy. She went on to say she got that dreaded phone call at work telling her that she had cancer. Her mother had also been diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 61 and made a full recovery, but a few years later lost her battle to stage four colon cancer. Carla was certainly no stranger to the world of cancer. She really didn’t talk a lot about the medical end of things, except about the chemotherapy that led to her hair loss, and that she underwent 34 radiation treatments while continuing to work!

Carla was more eager to share about the support and care she has received from her family, friends, and co-workers. She enjoys playing tennis and shared with me a wonderful story of how her tennis team attended an annual tennis tournament that she always looked forward to going to, but due to her chemotherapy could not go that year. Her tennis team made little fans with a picture of her face on them and would take pictures of the fans in different places at the tournament. Her team told her “we are bringing you with us!” They even managed to get a professional tennis player to take a picture with the fan and autograph it! You could tell this was a memory etched forever in Carla’s heart. Her face beamed with joy as she told it. Another sweet story she passionately shared involved her co-workers who all wore pink (even the men) on the day she returned back to work after her surgery. Carla said it was quite a sight!

I feel like it is moments like that, that help bridge the gap of loneliness and fear that cancer patients often suffer through. Carla shared how she would meet other breast cancer patients, some that would be really sick as the disease had progressed, and others that had made it through and were doing well. She said she used to think how grateful she was that she was not as sick as some and how much hope it would bring her being able to see the ones who had conquered and made it through. She shared how she viewed this experience as a chapter in her life and she kept turning the pages.

When I asked her in what way did she feel like cancer had changed her, she said “I just don’t sweat the small stuff anymore.” Laughing, she said she surely doesn’t complain about having a bad hair day! I about fell out of my chair when she said that...talk about a quick reality check! All of a sudden the gray hairs didn’t seem that important anymore. And in the biggest, brightest smile Carla said the thing with chemo is that you also lose all your facial hair so it was nice not to have to worry about plucking or waxing for a while! Her attitude simply amazed me.

As she finished getting all dolled up, we exchanged emails, I took a quick picture of her and I told her I was going to write about her. She had inspired me with her positive spirit, her glowing smile and her willingness to be so open and share with me in hopes of helping others through their cancer journey. We may have been complete strangers when I walked in, but we definitely sparked a friendship that was ignited by common bond of a cancer journey. I was indeed blessed!

On my drive home I was smiling thinking about meeting Carla and how the weight of the world didn’t feel quite as heavy as it had. I was so thankful that the Lord had used Carla to bring some light into the darkness of my day. It was funny, I thought: I had no hair appointment, no intentions of going to that salon today, but my Heavenly Father had other plans for me.

I am reminded how God is always there to guide and direct our steps every single day. We just have to be willing to follow.  

Mara

I arrived at Mara’s (that’s MAH-rah) quaint home, and the first thing I couldn’t help but notice was the trellised fence with an arched gate absolutely covered in ivy. It was a little piece of old-world brought right to her backyard. 

I don’t really know where to start with Mara’s story. Though quiet, and sweet, she had a stoicism about her. I imagined it came from migrating to America from Hungary at the age of 12, and having to learn a new language as she came of age in a foreign culture, and that her years as a mother of three and wife taught her how to be strong for others. 

“She has a maturity and a sweet spirit about her,” Sheri, her neighbor and caretaker, said. 

Seeing Mara, who is only 53 years old, was a reminder of what cancer can and cannot take away. She spoke about how much she missed working with computers at Baptist Hospital and taking care of her two dogs and two cats. She reminisced about skiing in Austria and visiting her homeland. Her eyes lit up when she spoke of her husband and how she liked when he was home from work and would sit by her side. About her house hung beautiful quilts stitched by Mara herself. “That one has my daughter Abigail’s handprints stitched into it,” Mara said. As I sat and listened to her speak I could hear the love of a mother's heart pouring out.  

Yet Mara spends the day very tired, working with physical therapy and battling her glioblastoma multiforme brain cancer. Currently on chemotherapy, Mara experiences the weakness and the fatigue of fighting with extraordinary strength. Though radiation did not work, Mara shared the greatest advice a cancer patient can be given: “Don’t worry about the numbers, focus on recovery. Averages don’t matter.” We always said that God has His own timeline. I think Mara might agree. 

In just the short time I spent with Mara, I could tell she was loved. Her boss from Baptist Hospital stopped by to say hello and pick up a stove. Sheri, who put me in contact with Mara, came upon the opportunity to spend time and help take care of Mara after losing her job. I saw so many faces affected by cancer, so many lives that Mara’s journey was influencing. 

“Are you afraid of dying?” I ask her. 

“No.” 

“Is that because you know that you will spend that eternity in heaven?” 

“It’s hard, because you can’t be sure where you will go.” 

I knew in my heart the answer to that uncertainty, and those of us in the room began to talk about our faith and how the Lord brought us through our journey. We ministered by testimony, and Mara seemed to understand that we had found joy. 

A little while later, we asked her what brought her comfort in her frustration. She said she liked to think about what heaven might be like, imagining her grandfather’s old house and garden with all of her cousins there. It was a sweet vision, sweet like Mara. 
I thought Sheri’s words as we began to leave were poignant for any battle in life: “He’s weaving a beautiful tapestry that we can’t see yet through the tears of our broken heart.”  It was a perfect way to phrase Mara’s story. 

We closed in prayer, and I truly could feel the warmth and peace of the Lord in her home. I hoped she could begin to feel it too, and accept the gift of the eternity that was nearing. I received a text the evening after we met, and Mara had asked for a book about Jesus. I pray that Mara receives that gift offered to her so that, after all her suffering, she might get to spend time in that old house and garden with her King.


Since visiting Mara over two weeks ago she has taken a turn for the worse. She spent a few short days in hospice and is now at home where she will be able to rest peacefully, surrounded by her family. 


Yet, my heart is overjoyed that this story isn't quite finished. This morning Mara's friend Sheri prayed a prayer of salvation with her, and now Mara can be sure where she will spend eternity.


It has been a privilege for me to get a little glimpse into the life of this sweet, courageous  woman. 

January 10th, 2012

Hey friends,

 I hope you are all having a great start to 2012!

 I want to give a big thank you for those who have showed their support to FACES! This is far more than a project for me it is a true labor of love. I have had many inquiries as to when the first story will be going up. I am shooting for February 1st. Since posting the logo this past Sunday I am thrilled at the number of requests I have already received and I feel so blessed that I am going to be able to share these inspirational stories with you all. Please contact me if you or someone you know would like to share their story on FACES.

I have a couple of reasons for not posting the first story until February. First and foremost it gives me the opportunity to write a blog in honor of Nick as we approach the one year anniversary of his passing. I can hardly believe it. My heart is so heavy as I think about that day. Although, the vision of Nick eternally resting in the radiant light of his Saviour is comforting to me, I am still so sad. Plain and simply I miss him so much. I cannot help but think about Aaron graduating this year and how Nick used to just pray to be able to make it to see that day. I know he will be with us in spirit on that day, but I have to be honest there is that little selfish part of me that wants him in that seat beside me, holding my hand and sharing in that precious moment. I do know when that day gets here it will be full of so much joy and celebration and our hearts will be filled with happiness just the way Nick would want it. In fact, I think he would insist on it!

I will post a blog on January 29th that will include the tribute video that was played at Nick's memorial. I know that many friends near and far that could not make it to his service, would love to see it and it would be my joy to share it with you all. It will be my privilege to be able to write a blog about my man on the day the Lord called him home.

"Practice trusting Me during the quiet days, when nothing much seems to be happening. Then when storms come, your trust balance will be sufficient to see you through. Store up for yourself treasure in Heaven, through placing your trust in Me. This practice will keep you in my peace."--Jesus Calling Devotional

Much love and many blessings,

Tammy

January 3rd, 2012

Happy New Year everyone! I am looking forward to 2012 with so much hope and anticipation.

I have received several responses and questions about my last blog and my new venture. I cannot tell you how my heart jumps out of my chest every time I take a step forward on this. I do feel led to help others in their journey of "learning to live," and that is where F.A.C.E.S. (Fighting Against Cancer with Extraordinary Strength) comes in. I love to write, and I know the part it has played in my healing over the past year, so nothing thrills my heart more than to know I can help someone else on their journey through telling their story. 

I think pretty much every nightly prayer over the last year has included asking God for His guidance and direction in my life, for Him to show me the way and for doors of opportunity to be opened. F.A.C.E.S. has ignited a fire in my heart and a drive in me that I haven't felt for a long time. I never thought of myself in this role. I was terrified to approach anything that had to do with cancer after losing Nick. That's why I know the Lord must have His hand over this, because that fear has been replaced with a desire to reach out and grab the hand of others who have been on or are on a life-changing path that involves cancer.   

F.A.C.E.S. will highlight inspirational stories of men and woman who have cancer, have fought cancer, or have lost someone to cancer. I want their stories to portray the beauty, fight, and determination of  learning to live through their struggles and put a face with their story. I have learned sometimes the real stories are often shared through the expressions of the laughter and the tears. These will be real stories of hope from ordinary people who are becoming extraordinary through their journey. 

I will feature the stories here, just like I do my own personal updates (and will continue to do that from time to time). I hope to have the first F.A.C.E.S. story up within the next couple of weeks. You may know of someone that has an inspirational story to share, if so, I would love to connect with them. 

As always thank you for your continued support it means so much to me. 

Blessings Always,

Tammy 

December 22nd, 2011

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. 
Lamentations 3:22-26

As I looked back to my blog last Christmas, I had ended it with these verses. There was so much encouragement to be found in those words then, and even more so now. 

Family and friends, it is so hard to believe that we are coming up on Christmas, and that it was almost a year ago when we spent that day at Mayo. Little did I know that would be my last time ever leaving this house with Nick by my side. 

It is hard to put into words all that I have experienced this year. I have accomplished things that I never thought I could. I learned how to manage a household, made some important decisions on my own, got a great job writing, and even put my own gas in the tank (that's a joke, even though Nick used to always do it for me)! Could it be that I am becoming independent?  Some of you may read this and think, "What in the world, I have been doing that stuff forever!" But the truth of it is, Nick took care of everything! So these things are kind of a big deal for me! 

As I have written before, there are many times I am sad, lonely, and my heart is breaking in two from missing Nick so much, but there are also those times of joy, hope, laughter, and excitement about what God has in store for me. I have a future, one that I look forward to with great anticipation, a future filled with the love of my family, friends and my Heavenly Father. He has and continues to refine me through the fires in my life.I keep telling myself God has big plans for me! 

I have gained appreciation for so much that seemed so unimportant a year ago. I am grateful to be accepted for who I am, flaws included, while also being able to learn to love the flaws in others. The passing of my dear husband, has taught me many of these invaluable life lessons and has forever changed who I am. I pray it is all for the better. 

As we near our first Christmas without Nick, I cannot help but to think back to last year and remember how much pain and suffering he was going through. I find myself feeling relieved, knowing that he no longer has to endure that.  I know he is experiencing a true CHRISTmas in Heaven.

We want to wish you all very Merry Christmas! I encourage those who have lost someone they love to celebrate and start new traditions with the family and friends that are here with you now, while reflecting on wonderful memories of years past. 

"Then the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy
which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior,
who is Christ the Lord. And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths,
lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly
host praising God and saying: Glory to God in the highest,
And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!"
[Luke 2:10 - 15]

Blessings,

Tammy 

  
    

REPOST: October 6th, 2011 (Some Encouragement)

Lately, my path seems to have many friends on it that are hurting, coping with the loss of a loved one, surviving a terminal illness, taking care of someone who is, making a living for their family. So many other things that seem to be stealing their joy. Knowing that many of you struggling are reading this blog, my heart's desire is to try and offer you words of hope and encouragement through my own story.

I can only speak from the experiences I have had. One of things that will forever be etched in my heart is the vision I have of a man with terminal cancer, harnessed in a full back brace, rarely without pain, testifying to the goodness of the Lord in his life.

When I am asked to speak and share my story this is a glimpse of what I tell:

"It was bizarre to me how this story of a 52-year old man with stage four cancer could bring out such a spirit of love and encouragement. It was definitely one of God’s biggest blessings in disguise. The Lord had empowered my husband to live a life that inspired others. I was glad to simply be able to share it as it grew into a life that reached beyond physical pain, daily doctor’s visits, chemo, and radiation. Though limited by time, we were not limited by the number of lives that that our King of Kings would have us touch."

I share this particular part of my story because it revealed to me that, no matter how bad the emotional or physical pain can be, or how limited our time is, there are always blessings in disguise! They may not be what we are expecting, and we may have to go through the fire to get to them, but God always provides for His children,and His plan for us is always bigger and better.

When I look back, I think about clinging to the Lord for that daily strength, I always picture me holding onto Him, like a child does to their parent, so tightly and with so much love and hope, and in return He holds me even tighter and with more love than I could ever imagine. Although I say "when I look back," I am sill clinging, and I always will.

Part of your story is being written through your struggles, and you never know who may will inspire or encourage along the way. I am reminded of that saying "God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things." He is using you!

John 16:33“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Blessings Always,

Tammy