Update January 3rd, 2011 6:22 PM

I did a lot of praying, pondering and thinking last night. Just really searching and wanting to feel clarity and peace.

I really feel that God brought to my thoughts Nick's liver resection surgery in May 2009 and how he was on a high dose of morphine for several weeks, and never hallucinated and acted like he is now. A lot of you that know my man, know that it takes a LOT of medicine to even dull a pain in him. So.......

I collected my thoughts, prayed about them, and looked forward to seeing Nick this morning,to see how he was after being taken off the Haldol medication (for anxiety) and just staying on the morphine and adavant (for anxiety and pain).

I don't know how to put it except to say he was in a calmer state of confusion. It was different than yesterday, although still confused, not too much hallucinating, still easily agigtated, which I am told is very common. He seems to have become very sensitive to sound. So do I think I made the right call about the Haldol?...yes, but I also realized that the morphine is his only source of relief. Even when he slept his face would grimace from pain.

It is one of the promises he asked me to make to him that when this time came I would help him be as pain free as possible. I tell you all of this to say I do feel that this disease is progressing rapidly in his body. Look how many tumors have grown already in this short amount of time. I know without a doubt my Heavenly Father is giving me clarity. The peace is overtaking the fear. I think, in only the way Nick can, he is telling me he is ok.

Even in the fogginess of his mind, lying in the bed as I was rubbing his head, he opens his eyes, and says "I was thinking today that I will be your guardian angel." The sweetest thing he has ever said to me.

My heart left there full of more love for this man than I could ever imagine.

They are increasing the morpine just a little because of the breakthrough pain Nick is having. Still holding off on visitors at this time, but will keep you posted as things change.

You all are loving and praying our family through the most difficult time in our life. May God pour out His blessings over you all.

He is our Fortress,

The Badidas

Update Sunday January 2nd, 2010

When we arrived at Hospice this morning Nick was very confused, hallucinating, and agitated. The doctor wants to minimize any distractions that can cause these symptoms to further increase so hold off on visiting until further notice. Thank you for your understanding with this and as much as I know you want to see Nick. What is most important is whats best for Nick. He doesnt even remember who came yesterday. But we tell him.

As you can imagine this is freaking us out. We had a long discussion/debate with the Doctor. He seems confident that this is Nicks disease progressing and not so much the meds. IF this is the case then it is moving fast....so much faster than expected. I will be on my knees praying for guidance and peace for me and Aaron as we move forward.

The doctor agreed to hold back on one of the strong meds (not pain meds) for 24 hours to see if confusion & hallucinations will get better. I think he is doing that more to ease our mind. We shall see. I will keep you posted.

I would just ask to pray specifically for clarity & peace on any decisions moving forward.

Love and blessings always,

The Badidas

update New Years Eve 2010

By the time we had arrived at Hospice this morning they has already up'd Nicks Morphine dose to 10mg and 5mg in between as his pain was back. By the time we left this afternoon they up'd it once more to 15mg. The last dose seemed to ease the pain a bit for him, but as you can imagine he is so groggy, dosing on and off and a little confused.

We were able to speak with the doctor today. He said he had a long talk with Nick yesterday and that Nick had been really holding back on his deep pain level. He also said Nick spoke with him about his fear of paralysis. The doctor assured him and us that they will do everything they can to keep him comfortable. We were also told they may not be able to rid Nick of all of his pain. There is that fine line of enough meds to relieve pain and still be functional and enough meds but become non-functional. I'll be honest I am nervous about the path I see.

When you look at Nick, his outward appearance looks pretty good, but there is a warfare on the inside of his body. Because his cancer is more muscular-skeletal (bone) we may not see a lot of outward change. I am wanting to prepare you all in the way we understand things.

The Hospice Doctor requested a visitation restriction be posted on Nick's door. Maximum 2 visitors in the room at a time, with a 5-10 min visit time,(unless Nick is up for longer, that was my request,not the docs). The doctor advise Nick today, if he continues to increase the meds it will become harder for Nick to stay awake and make his own decisions. His exact words were he could possibly sleep 1-2 days at a time. This whole process is just so painful watch and listen to.
But when Nick was asked who would be making the decisions if he could not, he pointed at me (Please be in prayer over that I will have complete peace if I have to make any decisions).

On a brighter note, We did have several visitors stop in today for short, but very sweet visits. A sweet sister in Christ brought me a "peace, love & care" package....truly blessed me! Those moments of sharing in prayer, laughter and hugs are priceless to us.

As this year will be winding up in a few hours, I look back with gratefulness at the transformation that has taken place in me and my life. Without the suffering would I have grown so close to my Heavenly Father? He has become my anchor, my refuge, my everything. Facing the most difficult time in my life, I know without a doubt He will carry me through.

I pray you all experience the love of Jesus like never before in 2011 and that He will pour out His blessings and favor over you like never before.

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19

Happy New Year,

The Badidas

quick update/Thursday December 30th, 2010

Nick's pain is better! They doubled his morphine intake through the pump and he can get a blast every 8 mins of additional meds if he pushes the button on his pump. One a scale from one to ten he says his pain level is about a six right now (it was running 11). A very big praise for sure!!!

It was such a relief for me to see him resting like that. I honestly do not think he has slept well for many months. I cracked opened a window in his room, you could here the wind chime outside, it was very peaceful. I stayed for a long while, then decided it was my time to come home and get some rest, plus I am feeling a little cold coming on. I am pumping myself full of vitamin C. No time for colds!

They will be monitoring things over the next few days to see how he responds to the meds. In other words can he get up, go to the bathroom etc....He will finish radiation next Tuesday.

If you visit and see he is sleeping soundly, please do not wake him, leave a note for him or let the nurse know and she will tell him, otherwise please enjoy your time with my sweet man.

Have a very blessed day everyone and enjoy this beautiful weather God has given to us.

This is the day which the LORD has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

In His Sweet and Holy Name,

The Badidas